Because the night..

The nights are the loneliest. I miss my friends. I can't help but dwell on good memories. I wish they were all here with me.

realize

but i cant spell it out for you
no its never gonna be that simple
no i cant spell it out for you

if you just realize what i just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other and
we'll never find another
just realize what i just realized
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now.

take time to realize
oh, im on your side
didnt i, didnt i tell you?
take time to realize
ooh, im on your side

but i cant spell it out for you
no its never gonna be that simple
no i cant spell it out for you.

its not the same
no its never the same
if you dont feel it too
if you meet me halfway
if you would meet me halfway
it could be the same for you...

H(ohm)

So this morning I woke up to complete silence. Opened my eyes, and saw a blooming tree outside my window. Guess where I am? IM HOME!!! It's been a little surreal, but nonetheless I'm happy to be back because I have a lot to do. I've decided that 23 is going to be my year. For the past 5 or so years I've taken a backseat to the needs of a lot of other people, and although there were some high points, I've ended up pretty much miserable with myself. This just gives me greater motivation, though. It's time for me, and I'm sure of it. I drove down yesterday accompanied by Jim driving separately (yes, he's moving too. had some stuff in his car, and leaving his car here). It wasn't a bad trip. For some reason the driving never seems to wear on me. I think that's because I'm looking forward to my destination so much. I was greeted by a howling wolf also known as Allie, who as soon as she recognized me almost actually pissed her fur. This morning I think I also surprised her...maybe she thought she was dreaming when Jim and I came in. She was just as excited to see him. She's a flirt though, always taking away my men's attention. Bitch.:) As of now she's under the computer desk, licking my foot. The royal treatment when I come home, of course! Two does just walked through our front woods, and the biggest turtle I've ever seen walked across the lawn. Maybe they were hired. lol. This feels so good. I'm gonna miss everybody so much, though. In leaving I was reassured how special my friends actually are to me and how special I am to them. I already knew I had good friends, but I guess when you spend those "last days" with them, and they're a good time, you realize the meaning of the friendship. I really hope all of their lives turn out to be everything they wanted. Hopefully, I'll get some visits. This is karma because I was always the one travelling to see anyone. Now it's their turn. There are also people I said goodbye to that I know I'll never see again. They meant a lot to me, and I'll always have memories. Right now being home is like a huge exhale for me. I needed some silence, I needed some clean air and pretty views. Unpacking is going to be horrendous, however...lol. I guess my final move home has just restored my faith that everything that is meant to happen does.

What a week..

Over the past week and a half I visited Kacie in Massachusetts. Jim went out of town to work, and instead of sitting around breathing in second hand smoke, I decided to take a small, yet effective road trip....for the first time by myself. It's only a 3 hour drive, but I guess anytime I actually leave New York State I feel like I'm going somewhere...It was amazing to see Brooke, who I've "known" since she was the size of a tylenol...my, how she's grown. She's about 16 months old. She's interesting, it's so funny to see an extension, in human form, of somebody you're such good friends with. I can already tell she's going to have Kacie's sense of humor that I love so much about her. I wish we could have lived closer, because I'd love to be in her everyday life through more than a text message. I do value that connection though, because even if it is through text, I feel connected with her in a way unlike any of my other friends who don't keep in touch or try to. I'm disappointed in my friends, but what else is new I guess. Onto a new life.



So while I was there, a couple interesting things happened. I think Kacie actually grew horns during our scary car chase, complete with U turn burnouts and catching air on a winding road ("WHOAAAAAAAA!!!"), while following her estranged fiance. I get the same way though, when the psycho genes hit I can't control myself either. It was one of those things you'd have to be IN THE CAR to truly appreciate. However, I wouldn't wish being in the car on anybody lol. I kept clutching the door and saying KACE...only for her to say, all in one breath...."AM I SCARING YOU? IM FINE!" It truly was a Kacie moment, and in the five years I've known her, she has not changed that much. Her surroundings and her lifestyle has changed. but she's still in there...that's what I love. She's still a caring friend, somebody to listen and understand, somebody to laugh with and help me put the strangest things into perspective without an ounce of judgment. I try to do this in return for her as well. Sometimes though, especially recently, I was considering charging her for my time...;-). Just kidding. I'm happy to try to help. So then, we went to a psychic. On a whim, but most things are in our case. I figured what better time in my life to see what's in store? This is the time when I've had the least amount of connections or obligations - I was curious. And since Kacie's in the middle of a crisis, she benefitted to. Unfortunately, my reading was exactly what I already knew but didn't want to hear. But I do have a successful career in my future, and a long life ahead of me. Kacie's outcome, as of press time, is still top secret (GRRRR). The lady who did it was probably in her late 20's early 30's, with two small children and a husband. Middle eastern, but Americanized. She was gorgeous, and had the most intense green eyes I've ever seen. I do believe that eyes are the windows to the soul, and this just reinforced my belief. Such a calming aura about her. I'd definitely go back, if I could. I guess that's it for now, and next time I'll be writing, it'll most likely be from the sunny state of South Carolina....

Freedom

Over this patriotic of all weekends I began to think about freedom a lot. Freedom to me is a full tank of gas. The ability to go wherever and do whatever with whoever whenever. Too bad freedom's so expensive. It took me 45 dollars to fill my car from a quarter tank. I know everybody wants to sit around and bitch about gas prices, but for once the public's outcries aren't unfounded. However, the current state of this free country does really make me think about the future in a light that I never have before. We're really not that free. Yes, we can wear whatever we want, women are in positions of power just as men are, people still have the freedom to buy SUV's.... but it still feels like we're trapped. I was never much into politics, I found I didn't have any interest in ugly middle aged men that always wore a suit. I guess that's a good thing. But now I'm forced to care. Forced to think about in the future, if I have kids, is this world going to be one that I'd want them to grow up in? I don't know, only time will tell. I'm taking it one day at a time. Seems to be a trend lately...but I guess it's working.