Looking forward

Yeah, I'm packing up my car. I'm taking enough shit to where I could stay wherever I go if I wanted, but it's not my whole life. I gotta follow my heart. and my heart is with my friends right now. and a couple other lost (without me) souls. Couple weeks, I'm on my journey. Wish me luck.

Guys I will never date

this post seems pretty appropriate considering the recent events in my life. this isn't a direct diss, its just things i've learned that i can't tolerate, and shouldn't have to. it wasn't all bad.

I will never date someone who:

-wears Crocs. There's no excuse for foam clogs in bright colors, I don't give a shit how comfortable they are. I'd rather see everyone wearing bunny slippers. At least they're cute.

-says "I dunno" as a response to every type of question. YES YOU DO KNOW. AND IF YOU DONT, FIND OUT FOR CHRISTS SAKE!

-sleeps diagonally. please share. i WILL kick you.

-is insensitive. I'm not asking for to you cry with me, but lend me your shoulder when i clearly need it.

-doesn't recognize and value the importance of family. and keeping in contact with them.

-doesn't have a great work ethic.

-thinks machinery (things with wheels, treads, engines..etc) is more important than I am

-doesn't clean his own ears. no explanation needed

-has crazy baggage

-doesn't take pride in his vehicles, home, or himself

-doesn't want to take me out and show me off

I think that's a pretty short list of things that I can't put up with. I had to get that off my chest. And now that I go back and read it, some of it's pretty funny. I'm glad I'll always have my sense of humor. Oh yeah, add that to the list too.. -doesn't have a sense of humor. and sarcasm.

:-)

Simple pleasures.

In the past week or so, I've found myself in a really good mood. I'm not complaining. I'm embracing it because it seems to be such a rarity in recent times. I think I've found a bunch of songs lately that have become the soundtrack to my regeneration. My confidence isn't where it needs to be...but it'll get there. I've taken the time to really think about the simple pleasures in life. So far, this is the list I've discovered.

*the smell of a real christmas tree
*watching a dog have a dream
*seeing the way candles light up a room
*a cat purring on your chest
*a baby's laugh
*singing at the top of your lungs


thats it so far. more to come. live~love~laugh

We'll see...

I am, for the first time in along time, really excited about not knowing what's going to happen. It is up to me to create my own happiness and I really do feel like doing so. It's going to feel so much better when I achieve something, knowing I did something solely for the purpose of bettering myself. In the end, all you have is yourself. Make yourself the best you can be. Like Monica would say, quoting Dolly Parton..."find yourself, and do it on purpose"..I can't wait to see what I find.

once.

her: i want you so bad
him: yeah tell me about it
her: come get me seriously
her: seriously wtf
him: what?
her:come and get me
him: i would love to but i cant. if you can find a way up here then you can stay at my house for as long as u want or till we fall in love and even then u can stay as long as u want
her: do u mean that
him: yes and i havent had anything to drink
her: i want to...ive wanted that forever. I just cant live in cny i cant do it...
him: ok dont we can move up north seriously but thats it. at least come see me.
her: im going to. my mom even wants me to. i dont care if we lived in a fucking igloo as long as i was with you
her: when u want me to come






if that isn't true love, i dont know what is.

my friends

This past week has probably been one of the most difficult weeks of my life, emotionally. It's only going to get harder, i have a feeling. I had been starting to doubt some of my friends, but it turns out they reinforced my beliefs in them. All of them did. I am truly thankful that I have such wonderful people that I can call friends, and that do the same for me. It always feels good to catch up, and sometimes it only takes one conversation to feel completely reconnected to somebody. Sometimes I am the one to initiate it, but I don't mind, if it's reciprocated. It took me this long to gain such wonderful friends, and I hope I have them for another 23 years, and well beyond then.

The holidays are coming up, and although i want to shout out an extremely sarcastic "Happy f%^&*ing Holidays!" because the phrase seems pretty ironic considering the stress that they usually cause. Where exactly does the happiness lie? Not sure this year. For me, anyway. Christmas has always been the one holiday I really looked forward to because it was almost a guarantee that my family would be together. Mom wants to go on a vacation. I feel so guilty that the thought of going to a tropical island on Christmas and drinking fruity cocktails all day while lying in the sun isn't panning out to be the paradise it should. I don't know how to feel anymore, really.

I've downloaded some pretty decent music lately. Well, I mean, everybody has their own opinion of what decent is but I think it's pretty good. Angels & Airwaves, Chris Cornell, Duffy, Kanye West...

I am so excited for March.

In March you'll know why. So stay tuned.

hurt

what have i become, my sweetest friend?
everyone i know
goes away
in the end



full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear



if i could start again
a million miles away...

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Things have been kind of a whirlwind, a complete series of ups and downs that spanned only a couple weeks. My brother visited for about a week, and we had some adventures. We always seem to. I laughed so hard one night, that tears came to my eyes. And it was about something only we shared. For some reason it never bothers me when I'm the only one laughing, and everyone else is in the dark. When I'm laughing I can't think about anything else besides how happy I am. When I'm not laughing, which is more often these days, is when my mind becomes flooded of how unhappy I am.

When bub left this time it was different than the other times. I have gotten used to him coming and going and staying and leaving for the past 8 years. Gotten used to the goodbyes, the til-we-meet-again's, the take care's. but i felt this time like i felt the first time when i watched him get on a plane to australia when he was 18. those are the only two times i cried. I love how much my brother and I can share with eachother. We talk about music, clothes, food..buncha stuff. It was nice to have somebody I could have an intelligent conversation with where I felt like I actually got some insight out of it. Nice to be around somebody that wasn't so closed minded and numb to anything outside of their immediate surroundings. I laugh harder with him than anybody, and sometimes it seems like kind of our secret to what we find hilarity in.

Whenever anybody asks me if I'm okay, I tell them I'm not. Why lie anymore? Why feed into the expected formality of "yes, Im fine"...when that's really not the case. I gotta figure out something; every day seems worse than the day before. It seems that everytime I glimpse happiness, it's like a drug. When I come down from that, it seems to get worse the happier I was. I miss my brother, and I miss my dad, and I miss my friends. What I miss the most are the days when I didn't miss anyone. Knowing that will never be possible again kinda makes me angry, but I do realize there's nothing I can do.

Back to the good, my brother and I had a lot of fun together. We took the dog to Paris Mountain, swung by Anderson really quickly... We went downtown in Greenville and sampled some cuisine. I took countless videos of him doing his jujitsu moves (mainly at me) and being the spaz that he is. It seemed like a little bit of normalcy had returned to my life. We had thanksgiving dinner early (last sunday) becuase the whole family could be together. Never thought I'd have to wonder if that's the last Holiday the four of us will spend. I really think I've stopped caring.

My posts are always so negative, I know, and it must get annoying to read. But when something good does happen, I write about it. I do have to say that I do love my friends, and at times my family helps. I guess I can't really refer to my family as a whole anymore, because the dynamic has changed. Actually I could if I wanted but I don't want to. Despite this constant cloud of fogginess and grey, I do dig up the optimism that lies within. It may not shine out my fingers and toes and I may not be smiling all the time, but it's there...burning like a dull flame. I feel like if things are this bad with me and I haven't totally lost hope, then I can tackle just about anything.
There's always a silver lining.




We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950), Americans and Others, 1912

Obama 08

I knew we could do it. Let's see what's next.

There was a snake in the kitchen this morning.

Yes, a snake.

In the kitchen. He's now on the screened in porch.

Here he is.

And I still don't have a job.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)

Wow It's been a few weeks.

I knew I had been neglecting my blog, but for good reason. I've got some secrets I'm not ready to publish, for fear of public backlash...lol. Anyways, things are at a standstill, as usual. Since the state is cutting back on hiring, or freezing hiring, or whatever it is...Looks like ill be spending the holiday season and however far beyond working retail. I thought I was past this...ugh.

On a more positive, yet more expensive note, I was checking out grad schools in SC. Clemson's school counseling program looks pretty promising. Letters of recommendation might be the most difficult part of the application....I didn't spend my college years bonding with my professors. Yes, its more loans, but I have been checking out things in my field, and It's looking like a master's will take me where I want to go. I do feel like I could make a big difference already, but unfortunately I don't have the appropriate piece of paper. Speaking of that piece of paper...Binghamton sent out a batch of degrees that were missing the word "York" on the end of New York. You'd think with all those high and mighty signatures, and all those monkeys in offices who have jobs that IIII could be doing, somebody would have caught that half of the state's name was missing...guess not. They blamed it on their new "printing program"...sure....Although it makes me feel smarter than the average bear, or "monkey," it does kind of anger me that more jobs aren't available. I understand the whole country is in crisis, but geez. I'm better than Target. I went back to college so that I could get OUT of target. So yeah, once I do get a job, I'd liek to go back to grad school. I never thought it'd be for me, I was convinced that I'd stop at a bachelors..but these days having a bachelors seems obselete. Sad....

My brother and I are the first kids in our family to have degrees, I think. I guess there's Jason and Sarah that went to college but honestly I don't give a shit about cousins I never knew and wouldn't know if i "hit them with my car."


He moved out again. Take me with you.


Autumn is impresing me here...not as colorful as I'm used to, but beautiful nonetheless. Im welcoming hoodie weather with open arms. For some reason though, autumn brings back floods and floods of memories, kind of like an entire season of de ja vus. but for stuff that really did happen. Fall has always been my favorite. Kind of chilly, but when that sun peeks out, its the perfect feeling of warmth. Colorful in a natural and subtle way, but beautiful nonetheless...fall is ME in a season.

Today is a great day to take the vette out....too bad I can't drive standard lol.


signing off for now, gonna go run with Allie....








Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.

Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC), Eudemian Ethics

its harder now that its over

They slapped 'em on you
Where that bracelet used to be
You know the one I bought you in phoenix
Where they sell old jewelry
I was trying to make you angry
But I didn't feed you to the cops
When I threw that drink in that guy's face
It was just to piss you off'
Cause honey it's over

It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history
I heard your wrists got bruised
Must've felt just like old times
I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you

Yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars and lost forever now
'Cause it's over now
It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history
Free with a history
You're freeFree with a history

I'm sorry

stay or leave

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I,
with muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us..
.It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoons, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could
That I should'a done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?
So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoons, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this?
Besides the day you left me
What day is this?

Look for the girl with the broken smile...

I'm feeling more defeated and withdrawn than I can remember feeling in a long time, if ever. I think this is the most bleak my life has seemed thus far. I hate to keep being negative, but I'm surrounded by negativity...whether it be through my atmosphere or the negativity that already lies with in me just waiting to seep down into my thoughts. Nothing good has happened since I've been here. I was so happy to get out of New York..I don't understand. I knew it wouldnt be an instant fix for all my issues, but this is just ridiculous. Where is this karmic pollution coming from? I'm totally happy to be alone lately, despite the built-in companionship I have in my house. I'd usually say in my home, but it doesn't serve that purpose for me anywhere. My home exists in a past that I find myself constantly revisiting. I think this previous Friday was one of the worst days I've had. I had a completely disheartening phone call, it was realistic I guess, but nonetheless depressing. How can somebody talk to somebody that cares about them like that and be okay with it? Can't the universe help me out a little here? I'm trying... sometimes I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to see if I'm actually still alive and if anybody hears me. Tired of it, and all I wonder is...what the FUCK.


p.s. so much for the blip...more like a flatline.

no matter what i do

i came here with an open mind. i feel like in the cartoons when that grey cloud follows the person arond wherever they go. it must be me, because im miserable no matter what. i cant seem to find happiness in any form. well, almost any form. i want to see a therapist. but that requires money and/or health insurance. neither of which i have. i keep everything inside because i don't know where to put it. i started running this week..well running and walking when i felt like i might die. but it feels good. i have a lot of pent up....something.....anger, frustration, confusion, just a general unsettled feeling. i cant shake it and im such a downer. my friends are loving life for hte most part, and i should be too. what a boring existence. why am i chronically pissed off? i gotta figure this out either way...



i really feel like running away. or driving in this case. and i know exactly where i'd go.

When I grow up..

I've been searching for and applying to jobs. I just want one that i can do. We'll see, Im not gonna stop trying. I miss laughing really hard with people i really love. I havent laughed uncontrollably since a night in Charlotte. Amber knows what I'm talking about, that dreaded picture...the hideous zoom in...the surprise and shock of it all. I don't know what it was, probably the mixture of the situation, the location, and the fact that it was my birthday....but I could not stop laughing. I miss that, I have discovered that I really need that in order to function. Come back to me, uncontrollable laughter...i miss you.


The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

i am damaged at best, like youve already figured out

In youth we learn; in age we understand.

Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

QotD

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

W. H. Auden (1907 - 1973)

im anxious

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

Shantideva

stay tuned...

job interview monday. dont know how to feel about it. i didnt even apply for this job.

QotD:

"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. "

Bob Dylan

Heath's quote of the day....

more nagging...about jobs...W.E.I.N.? I WILL GET ONE!!!! :0D


Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything.

Floyd Dell

Autumn In

It's starting to smell like fall in the air, and the sun is the perfect temperature. Although it's still 80 degrees easily, that slight wind and that certain...aroma....is present. It's a comforting smell, and reminds me that this is my first fall that I have spent somewhere other than New York. I do miss it, I get very nostaglic waves every now and again. My present doesn't seem like a present, because I'm not being productive. Why is it that I feel like my most fun memories and experiences are already behind me? I think that might be why I have such a bitter and pessimistic approach to the future. It's all downhill from here, isn't that what they say? I'd like to believe that making money and transitioning into my adult life will be fulfilling for me - that the days of being carefree, even reckless at times - belong in the past. Maybe my idea of what is fun will start to change also.

I'm looking forward to becoming the adult version of myself...I can't say that I've truly felt like an adult at any point in time. I have adult responsibilities which I take care of, and I can drink and vote and all that good stuff...but what is it going to be that erases that last strand of youth that i cling to? Is there a specific age in which it is inappropriate to behave a certain way? It's strange...society views floaters and people who are in their 30's or even late 20's that don't have a job or have alternative sources of income besides a 9-5 as "losers." I'd rather do that and be happy than feel numb to my own life because of my surroundings. I think then I'd truly be a loser.

Of course everyone wants to make money, but I think there are enough ways to do it where being miserable isn't involved. Very few people are lucky enough to be rich AND happy. But in my opinion, being rich comes from your soul being fulfilled by the people, experiences, and memories that you choose to surround yourself with. Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware a job is a necessity, and bills can't be paid with love. But I also know that no matter what my bank account says, I feel rich at times, and that's a wealth that nobody can take away from me. I think I'm going to start writing a quote every day on my blog. I really enjoy writing on this thing, and I should do it more. I know I have a few regular readers.:-) So here's the first "heath's quote of the day".....

"A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past. " ~Eric Hoffer

It's been awhile..

I guess in a way a lot has happened since I last wrote. Jim finally came down here to be with me, after a couple fights and me being on the verge of saying screw it all. My frustration was at an all time high, but I still believe things could turn out the way they need to be. Maybe I'm just being too hopeful, or naive, but I guess that's life, and everything is a lesson. We'll see what happens. He needed to be taken away from the atmosphere in which he was stifled, and couldn't even grow if he wanted to. I always left it up to him whether or not he came with me, and he told me that he wanted to be happy with me, wherever that may be. He does have his redeeming moments. I do love him, and time will tell what the outcome of our adventure together shall be.

Other than that, summer is coming to a close, although you wouldn't know it by the weather. We just celebrated my mom's birthday, which is exactly a week and 25 years before mine. It was a nice night of playing monopoly, having a couple drinks, and mom opening her presents. Oh yeah, and the cheesecake I made for her wasn't half bad either. I love having a fall birthday. It's nice. This is the first birthday in like 3 or 4 years that I'll actually be spending with my family.

Amber comes Wednesday!!! YESSSS! We'll definitely have some adventures to report on, and it'll be so nice to be able to have some girly time and show her around. She does want to move here when she finishes grad school, and I really hope she likes it. The landscape is a lot like Central New York, the weather's just nicer and the soil is orange instead of brown because it's clay. Oh yeah, and the ocean is about 3 hours away. I am really impressed that somebody's coming to visit me, it's really nice to know that friends DO miss me and DO care enough to take time and money to come see me. It means the world, and I can't wait to see what kind of trouble we get into! We've been friends for twelve years.

Yes, I know I need to get a job, mom...since I know you're reading this. Don't worry, I will get one. And the day that happens will be exciting and nervewracking all at the same time. But don't think I've forgotten and don't think that I stopped searching...because I haven't. :-)

And sometimes you close your eyes and see...

The place where you used to live.
when you were young.


For some reason those words from a really good Killers song always ring in my head. When I close my eyes, sometimes I do see the place that I used to live. Warm, home, comfort, stability, love, welcome, breathe. Gone. This place has never felt so foreign. I'm lost in a sea of uneasiness, and I guess it takes me aback still, because I thought I had already weathered plenty of personal storms. I just want it to be over, one way or another. But in the meantime, I keep taking deep breaths. I keep wanting to fast forward. i wonder what I can possibly learn from all this except how to hurt more efficiently. Everything sets me off lately. Major mood swings, depth of thought has increased, self-doubt increased. I told my mom tonight that all this shit just inspires me to get the hell out of this house faster. I came home because he asked me to. I guess I should start realizing not to listen to him like I used to. I wish he wasn't separate from my life. There's nothing I can say anymore, and that feeling of helplessness and the awareness that my seemingly unpenetrable foundation has just crumbled beneath me is really unsettling. Yes, you can be my father without being married to my mother. But my dad has always been married to my mom. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be for me to get used to this adjustment. Knowing me, it won't.

Cambio

Things have been up and down lately. I'm really tired of the day-by-day mentality, but I guess that's just how it has to be. Everything seems to irritate me. I'm finding out who really wanted to stay in touch with me and who really doesn't seem to care. It's not what I expected. Mom went back to work yesterday so now it's just Allie and I during the day. She's boring though. I wouldn't say I'm bored yet...almost being here for a month now, but I'm more restless. I'm motivated in my mind and my thoughts but not my actions. If I could connect the two, I'd be unstoppable. My head's in a million different places right now and I'm finding it hard to focus on any one thing. As I go through the things in my room, memories come flooding back of the way my life used to be. And I remember being 18, "with the whole world in front of me," but it didn't feel that way at the time. I can't say if I was there again I'd do things differently, but there are certain moments that I'm not so fond of my decision making. When I graduated high school nothing big in my life had changed yet. From 18 on it seems like it's been nothing BUT changes. I'm ready to have my feet planted firmly, and I'm ready for some mundane events. The break-ups, the make-ups, the moving, the deaths...put it all on hold. I understand that it's all part of life, but I need a chance to catch my breath. However, I also know that a higher power wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Referring to an old saying, and more recently a Kanye West song..."that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" is proving true. But when will I be strong enough? And who decides?

Surreal

Well, it's official. No more NYS license or plates on my car. I never thought I'd have a palm tree on my license plate, but now I do! The DMV was kind of scary, definitely a "local" area of SC. The people are nice though..friendly if you just talk to them. I still don't believe I moved. I do miss my friends, but we've managed to keep in touch for the most part. Some are planning trips and I couldn't be more excited! There's so much I want to do here, and I don't have to pack it in this time. I'm stayyyyyyying. I washed my car for the first time in about two years by hand yesterday, and dad waxed it. It looks amazing. Yeah, thats about the most exciting thing that's happened. I felt that I should write tonight. But I really don't have updates anymore because for once I'm actually at peace.

Because the night..

The nights are the loneliest. I miss my friends. I can't help but dwell on good memories. I wish they were all here with me.

realize

but i cant spell it out for you
no its never gonna be that simple
no i cant spell it out for you

if you just realize what i just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other and
we'll never find another
just realize what i just realized
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now.

take time to realize
oh, im on your side
didnt i, didnt i tell you?
take time to realize
ooh, im on your side

but i cant spell it out for you
no its never gonna be that simple
no i cant spell it out for you.

its not the same
no its never the same
if you dont feel it too
if you meet me halfway
if you would meet me halfway
it could be the same for you...

H(ohm)

So this morning I woke up to complete silence. Opened my eyes, and saw a blooming tree outside my window. Guess where I am? IM HOME!!! It's been a little surreal, but nonetheless I'm happy to be back because I have a lot to do. I've decided that 23 is going to be my year. For the past 5 or so years I've taken a backseat to the needs of a lot of other people, and although there were some high points, I've ended up pretty much miserable with myself. This just gives me greater motivation, though. It's time for me, and I'm sure of it. I drove down yesterday accompanied by Jim driving separately (yes, he's moving too. had some stuff in his car, and leaving his car here). It wasn't a bad trip. For some reason the driving never seems to wear on me. I think that's because I'm looking forward to my destination so much. I was greeted by a howling wolf also known as Allie, who as soon as she recognized me almost actually pissed her fur. This morning I think I also surprised her...maybe she thought she was dreaming when Jim and I came in. She was just as excited to see him. She's a flirt though, always taking away my men's attention. Bitch.:) As of now she's under the computer desk, licking my foot. The royal treatment when I come home, of course! Two does just walked through our front woods, and the biggest turtle I've ever seen walked across the lawn. Maybe they were hired. lol. This feels so good. I'm gonna miss everybody so much, though. In leaving I was reassured how special my friends actually are to me and how special I am to them. I already knew I had good friends, but I guess when you spend those "last days" with them, and they're a good time, you realize the meaning of the friendship. I really hope all of their lives turn out to be everything they wanted. Hopefully, I'll get some visits. This is karma because I was always the one travelling to see anyone. Now it's their turn. There are also people I said goodbye to that I know I'll never see again. They meant a lot to me, and I'll always have memories. Right now being home is like a huge exhale for me. I needed some silence, I needed some clean air and pretty views. Unpacking is going to be horrendous, however...lol. I guess my final move home has just restored my faith that everything that is meant to happen does.

What a week..

Over the past week and a half I visited Kacie in Massachusetts. Jim went out of town to work, and instead of sitting around breathing in second hand smoke, I decided to take a small, yet effective road trip....for the first time by myself. It's only a 3 hour drive, but I guess anytime I actually leave New York State I feel like I'm going somewhere...It was amazing to see Brooke, who I've "known" since she was the size of a tylenol...my, how she's grown. She's about 16 months old. She's interesting, it's so funny to see an extension, in human form, of somebody you're such good friends with. I can already tell she's going to have Kacie's sense of humor that I love so much about her. I wish we could have lived closer, because I'd love to be in her everyday life through more than a text message. I do value that connection though, because even if it is through text, I feel connected with her in a way unlike any of my other friends who don't keep in touch or try to. I'm disappointed in my friends, but what else is new I guess. Onto a new life.



So while I was there, a couple interesting things happened. I think Kacie actually grew horns during our scary car chase, complete with U turn burnouts and catching air on a winding road ("WHOAAAAAAAA!!!"), while following her estranged fiance. I get the same way though, when the psycho genes hit I can't control myself either. It was one of those things you'd have to be IN THE CAR to truly appreciate. However, I wouldn't wish being in the car on anybody lol. I kept clutching the door and saying KACE...only for her to say, all in one breath...."AM I SCARING YOU? IM FINE!" It truly was a Kacie moment, and in the five years I've known her, she has not changed that much. Her surroundings and her lifestyle has changed. but she's still in there...that's what I love. She's still a caring friend, somebody to listen and understand, somebody to laugh with and help me put the strangest things into perspective without an ounce of judgment. I try to do this in return for her as well. Sometimes though, especially recently, I was considering charging her for my time...;-). Just kidding. I'm happy to try to help. So then, we went to a psychic. On a whim, but most things are in our case. I figured what better time in my life to see what's in store? This is the time when I've had the least amount of connections or obligations - I was curious. And since Kacie's in the middle of a crisis, she benefitted to. Unfortunately, my reading was exactly what I already knew but didn't want to hear. But I do have a successful career in my future, and a long life ahead of me. Kacie's outcome, as of press time, is still top secret (GRRRR). The lady who did it was probably in her late 20's early 30's, with two small children and a husband. Middle eastern, but Americanized. She was gorgeous, and had the most intense green eyes I've ever seen. I do believe that eyes are the windows to the soul, and this just reinforced my belief. Such a calming aura about her. I'd definitely go back, if I could. I guess that's it for now, and next time I'll be writing, it'll most likely be from the sunny state of South Carolina....

Freedom

Over this patriotic of all weekends I began to think about freedom a lot. Freedom to me is a full tank of gas. The ability to go wherever and do whatever with whoever whenever. Too bad freedom's so expensive. It took me 45 dollars to fill my car from a quarter tank. I know everybody wants to sit around and bitch about gas prices, but for once the public's outcries aren't unfounded. However, the current state of this free country does really make me think about the future in a light that I never have before. We're really not that free. Yes, we can wear whatever we want, women are in positions of power just as men are, people still have the freedom to buy SUV's.... but it still feels like we're trapped. I was never much into politics, I found I didn't have any interest in ugly middle aged men that always wore a suit. I guess that's a good thing. But now I'm forced to care. Forced to think about in the future, if I have kids, is this world going to be one that I'd want them to grow up in? I don't know, only time will tell. I'm taking it one day at a time. Seems to be a trend lately...but I guess it's working.

Grey Street

Oh, look at how she listens.
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through the memories
Staring out onto Grey St.

She thinks, "hey"
"how did i come to this?"
"i dreamed myself a million times around the world"
"but I can't get out of this place"

There's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart
but all the colors mix together - to grey
and it breaks her heart.

How she wishes it was different
she prays to god most every night
though she knows well he doesnt listen
there's still a hope in her, he might

She says "I pray"
"oh but my prayers they all fall on deaf ears
"am i supposed to take it on myself"
"to get out of this place?"

Oh there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart

she feels like kicking out the windows
and setting fire to this life
she would change everything about her
using colors, bold and bright
and all the colors mix together, to grey
and it breaks her heart....
it breaks her heart.
to grey.

Just a small update..

Actually, there's not much to report. This online class is taking over my days, and I find it ever hard to concentrate when there's dogs coming in and out of the room, parents asking questions, kids screaming at the neighboring school, people walking up and down the streets - for what I've gathered by hearing their conversations, is the kindergarten graduation. This class required that I attend four classical concerts this summer. I don't think that's going to work. Good thing I'm creative. ;-). My time's ticking down here, and I'm contemplating setting an actual date for my departure. I figure, everybody here is busy and I'm a little discouraged with my friends. Or, as Danielle and I call them..."frens." I know everybody's busy...but with a couple exceptions of a fun night out, nobody really actively pursues hanging out with me. Except people that I don't typically hang out with. You'd be surprised at the people who want to see you before you go, just to say goodbye. It's a good feeling. I just wanna finish out my time here having some good old fashioned fun. Doing things here that I won't be able to do there. Hang on, my phone's ringing. okay...i'm outta here ;-)

The past couple days

The past couple days have been trying. I have seen my father since the first news, and the first day I was left feeling unsatisfied, bordering on frustrated and confused. The second day, because of James, I charged ahead to, for once in my life, command somethign I wanted. I wanted to talk to my father. One on one. And I got it. It went well, considering the subject matter at hand. There were sarcastic laughs, but at some comments I had to wonder..."WHO ARE YOU?" I talked to my mother for a good two hours tonight, only to come back into the house finding Jim passed out with a Sam Adams Hefeweizen wedged into his armpit, asleep on the couch. I love his simplicity and his old soul. I have more clarity and I guess that's good. Instead of focusing on the negative, I have come to realize through this how much support I actually have in my life. I thank god for my brother, no matter how different he may be from me. Although we handle things in life differently and have a different lifestyle, he came from where I did. He gets me and accepts me, no matter how much he may disagree with me. I thank god for his girlfriend, who embodies not only a large piece of him, but also a large piece of me. It's like if him and I had a child...without the creepy incest factor and no extra appendages. She's great. Thoughtful, caring, understanding, grounded, beautiful, thankful, realistic, and loving. I talked to my mom tonight for two hours plus. It's been a struggle to communicate with her at times throughout my past, but now I absolutely cherish this time we have. I wish I could hug her...and soon enough I'll be able to. Hugging my dad for the firs ttime in five months, and especially since this whole fiasco...was challenging. BUt it was the same warmth I had known, the same arms that held me since I was minutes old. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least, emotions flooding me like crazy. I prayed for the first time, in a long time, tonight, as rain clouds dissipated over me and smoother skies prevailed. Prayed for this to all work...for everybody. I have always been one to be selfish with my body. My 15 ear piercings, my nose, my tongue pierciing, my tattoo...have been selfish. This time, I prayed for the most recent additions (and less painful) to hold their deep importance to me. I started wearing my father's turqoise ring that he doned in the 70's last March. After a visit with my aunt (on my moms side) last summer, I began wearing my grandmother's spoon handle ring (which I ALWAYS get compliments on, and that I always think of my grandmothers bony hands and how the ring would slide up and down her knuckles as she moved ). Whenever I look at my hands I'm reminded of my family and what they mean to me. All I can say is that I hope this sense of family that everyone has built, and that seems so impossible in this day and age, can break through the walls of infidelity and become something of a new, stronger, foundation. To my family and friends: I love you, and thank you for supporting me.

Good Day

Today was the best day I've had in awhile. Although it was an intense 90 something degrees out, it wasn't that muggy. Thank god! Started out with the installation of a few air conditioners throughout the house. Next, a quick dip in the pool with Vegas (our dog) wearing his yellow doggie life jacket, and James. Jim washed his baby (his stupid motorcycle), and I got ready to go mini-golfing.... (HIS SUGGESTION!) I was so happy that he was actually thinking of stuff for us to do that I didn't even mind it being so hot. We went to a course in cicero and it was pretty fun. Although he won, I still did pretty well...and NONE of those holes should be a par 2!! Well, its four hours later and I still haven't heard the end of it that he's the champion, so we'll have to play again and I'll have to beat him. Next we headed over to the mall, he got a couple new pairs of sneaks...UnderArmour Brand...very comfortable! I tried on the women's versions! He got two pairs in different color combinators (his word) to go with his ever growing wardrobe...thanks to me:-) We came back to an empty house, which sometimes is just a sigh of relief..lol. The air conditioners are cranking, I'm happy, and we're about to eat. I'm so glad I had a good day, and Jim helped me make it happen. He does have SOME redeeming moments....although they're fleeting....he's such an old man. That's all for now, stay tuned.

The Heart of the Matter

I woke up this morning to a text message from Kacie letting me know who re-did "Heart of the Matter." I never would have known if it weren't for her! I miss her... a lot. I'm too used to having a friendship through text message..and our time together was so brief it seems like it never even happened. I have pictures that prove it did, though. Some of my best times were had with her. One time, in a drunken circus of a night, I actually peed my pants when I came up the stairs and she jumped out with Katie's pads strapped to her ears and yelled "EARMUFFS!" Or the multiple random phone calls we'd make to people on campus using her girl talk voice changer phone. Nobody, at age 18, would still have a voice changer phone except Kacie....Man, that thing caused some controversy!!! hahaah. There's too many memories to list...but theyre the kind of memories that even if you weren't there for it, theyre hilarious. Those are the best kind becaues they can be shared. She's a rare find in a friend and I think of her often...

I came on here to talk about something else though, she just popped into my head. So Ive decided to see my dad when he comes to New York this weekend. It was a tough decision, but also a no brainer at the same time. Of course I miss my dad. I'm just afraid Im gonna lose it. It's easier being here when they're there. I never thought I'd say that, either. I understand that he feels bad and left it up to me whether or not I wanted to see him. His text messages were harsh, though. I'm not used to getting an attitude from my dad. It was left that he missed me too and would call me when he got into the airport. I left the day's events up to him though. He can think of things to do. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for something good. Not something awkward and unprogressive.

Lately I have felt pretty alone. I don't do much and nobody really seems to be active in pursuing hanging out with me. Not even who I live with. I'm invisible, I'm just something to deal with. Everybody here has their own life and I'm not part of it. Maybe it is time to go...I'd love to just pick up and go, leave this place, surprise people...who cares if I don't see people I wanted to see one last time? I've been here a month and hung out with three friends. I guess I just wish I was in other peoples thoughts as much as they are in mine. I gotta learn to get my priorities straight.

to my mom

Mom, I love you. You've become the woman I hope I can be in the future. I know you're reading this and I hope you know I think of you everyday, and have since you've left NY. We've had our issues but I'm glad you're my mom, and wouldn't trade you for anything. Please don't worry so much about me though, this is my journey too, and you need to focus on you. I'm not 12 anymore, and I will have to go through my process with this, as you have. But don't try to protect me from things I need to feel. It's instinct, I know. But unfortunately there's nothing you can do or say to protect me from this. Any part of it. If you need me, I'm always here. If you need me to say something to you for reassurance, I'll say it. If you want to look to me as a friend, I'll be one. I have an unlimited amount of respect for you. My stubborn teenage self would not admit this, but hopefully by saying this you will realize how much I have grown up. I know this is hard on everybody, but I'm just as concerned about you as you are of me. Youre the most beautiful woman I've ever known, not in spite of your flaws, but because of them. I'm better because you're my mother. Thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me this chance to laugh, love, learn and live.

I wanna feel the car crash...

Ive got a few great songs stuck in my head as of tonight...there's something about Matt Nathanson's voice, and the fact that I've seen him live, from ten feet away...for free. Car crash, wedding dress, all we are, answering machine, gone, come on get higher....download them. This isn't getting any easier. Monica said it won't....and she's five years into the destruction. Im hoping there will be no destruction, but the current shakiness of the situation is a mental image of a teeter totter balanced on a glass center. If that glass shatters, the teeter totter is going to fall one way. Chances are that won't be the way I would hope. I don't know how I can be expected to have kind words, if any, to say right now. I've barely spoken to myself. I've only spoken to the very few close friends I have, and that was to say the words I'd never have to say. My father fucked up. It was the one thing I thought I was safe from. I guess it just goes to show me that in life, you can't count on anything. At all. I guess this helps me to "grow up" as my mom told me I should do today on the phone. Alright, I'm growing up. Yeah...this is exactly the way I wanted to learn my lessons. There's my sarcasm again. Thanks, parents. Since I am an adult now, and according to the world have been for four years, I suppose I should focus on what's in the future. I guess now this motivates me even more to get my own life going...not to rely on my parents. I guess it was too strong a wall, but it was a false sense of strength. It does help me to grow up. I am grown up, and have in a lot of ways. When my family left me alone in NY, i was devestated...I still am not used to the fact that I can't just drive home in a matter of an hour. I can't pull into that driveway, hear a familiar creak of a stair or the bark of a welcoming dog. I don't know where the spare keys are kept in the new house. Im still bitter. Changes happened suddenly for me, and from 20-22 I've seen a lot of things happen, opened my eyes to a lot of things...and as of now experienced a heartbreak beyond anything thus far. I don't expect anybody to understand me, cause even I don't, yet. But I know I'm awesome. And I'm waiting for my chance to be happy. I just wanted ONE WEEK...but never again will I have hopes of this week. Things will get easier with time, but in this case, time can't come quick enough...

P.S. - Matt Nathanson...seriously....

What ever happened to alliesbud?

Not only have I never seen that screen name online, I'm missing the person behind it. I'm sad, disappointed, discouraged, everything...I'm waiting for the sun to reappear in my life. If you don't know what Im talking about, you don't need to. I've communicated to my closest friends what's going on in my life, in my family. I feel like im falling apart. i finally get to a place where i feel like everythings okay enough to the point where I can really focus on me, and its not. Mom tells me not to worry. Telling me not to worry about something like this is like telling the sun not to rise. My dad's disappeared...i dunno who this new person is. i dont like him very much, either. i dont like how he's making me feel. i havent been this hurt in a long time. all i can do now is wait for a response.

The grades are in....

Well I saw my grades from Binghamton today. Sort of what I expected, sort of not. "I'm happy" (folks reference). I start my final college course in a couple weeks through Finger Lakes Community College. It lasts about a month, and then I'll officially be done! Im hoping to stay at the lakehouse in DeRuyter for a couple weeks this summer before I leave, I kinda need that time to reflect and think....and I can't think of a better place to do it. Talk about great childhood memories. I was such a badass back then. Sneaking out of tents at midnight, risking exposure to racoons and juvenile delinquent local boys....Sipping wine coolers and putting the caps back on...we knew all the "tricks" to having a good time at age 14....we thought we fooled our parents but Im sure they were well aware. Then again, there was always that lingering smell..a smell we couldnt pinpoint at the time....but a few years later we were well aware that those weren't "burning leaves." Therefore, I don't know about the level of awareness of our shenanigans. Man I've had some good times there. Everything wwas so simple then.. so easy and carefree. Gas prices, degrees, psychotic ex boyfriends (satan, are you listening?), gaining weight, having a job....none of this mattered or was even a blip on our radar. Just thinking about it gives me a certain peace of mind - I'm thrilled to even have memories like that to reflect upon. All I can hope for is that I get to revisit this place sometime in the near future. In my 22 years spent in NY, that place is one of my most sacred spots. Im just grateful that such wonderful people let me experience that with them. I know I have lifelong friends in them. IT's a good feeling. I guess that's it for now, just felt like writing. That's what these things are for, though.

I shoulda done this much sooner....

I had another "blog" on another site, but everytime I wrote a really good entry, something would happen and I'd lose it. So I'm following in my family's footsteps and went with blogspot. Well, I just got finished with college. My last year. It's almost unbelievable but at the same time, I do believe it. There's no way all the crap I went through was all for nothing. All I can say is that I'm relieved. It feels like I'm finally ready for the next step, whatever that may be. There are still a ton of things that need to be sorted out in my life, but it'll get there. I got nothing but time (I hope). I'm trying to look towards the positive, and that's becoming a lot easier now that I am out of such a negative environment as I was in at school. I was getting really defeated, and I don't think I could have lasted much longer. I guess this is it for now, I'll write again soon...hopefully everyday.