Ramblings/Bored at work

For some reason, I can only communicate through lyrics as of late. Songs seem to twist words together in a way that explains a complete thought. Sentences just don't find their way into my soul like lyrics do. Even written, without accompanying music, some words seem to navigate their way to my heart easier than others. I often wonder why I am not capable of writing words that way, and it makes me have so much respect and admiration for people who can - songwriters, lyricists. I've always loved the written word, English class, reading books. Words and languages are something to be played with and explored. Grammar doesn't matter in music, punctuation is ignored. In all honesty, none of it makes sense....but in reality, it all makes perfect sense. How is it that I can find everything I want to say in a three minute song?

Mom recently asked me what my facebook status, "amazing what a minute can do" meant. Did it signify something specific? An event, a feeling....did something happen? Say that something did happen. It's true because that single minute, second, or hour could change someone's life forever. However, just stating that without an event actually taking place, or any change occuring...it still rings true. Amazing could be something positive, or something negative. The context to which the actual lyric is supposed to be taken into has to do with a car accident. The song "so damn lucky" is where it originates. It just makes you aware that your life really can change, for better or worse, in one minute or less. There was no specific reason for me to write that; I just like the message.

I'm getting down to the nitty gritty of my own whirlwind of a mind, because things are slowing down for me and I have more time to think. And think some more. I find it easy to relate to songs; they seem to save my life. Or at least save me from going crazy for another day. Anything that makes me happy or gives me a sense of serenity or calm is something I aim for these days.

I'm learning to count on myself for more things, and it scares me. Not because I feel weak, or incompetent, but because in reality we are all we really have. I like spending time with myself, doing whatever I see fit. I do like company as well. Some people's more than others. It seems like even though I don't even have expectations a lot of the time, somehow I'm still let down. Is that possible? I really don't feel that I do have expectations. I just think there's a certain level that friendships or relationships reach where things should be a given, and go without saying.

I guess everyone's on a selfish kick lately. Good for them. Just don't be surprised when you need me and I'm too busy, or I just don't care. It's easier to be a bitch and be selfish. I'm gonna try it out for awhile and see how it works. Although it's against my nature (ok, the bitch part isn't really...but I'm talking about a REAL bitch!) to be so closed off and unthoughtful, it may be easier. I prefer the term guarded. That doesn't have such a negative connotation to it.

The first step to doing this is what Kacie and I like to refer to as "anti-cell phone days." Those are the days where we ignore everyone but eachother, and family (for the most part). It's pretty refreshing actually. lol. We both get to the point where everyone ends up ticking us off, and it's just easier to go on hiatus. She gets more shit for it when she goes MIA though. People asking her if theyre still friends if they havent talked in two hours. That would be enough to drive me crazy right there. God bless her!

I guess that's it for now.






you're right, we're not on the same page.

Shitstorm

I couldn't really think of a title. But I like that term. I've got some things going on that are gonna be a bear to deal with coming up here shortly. Don't worry, it's nothing serious, just something I prefer not to publish. I'm okay, and it'll be okay.

My frustration with many things continues to grow. My head was clouded for awhile, and things are different now. But instead of the clouds clearing, it's beginning to storm. Things I've been burying and putting off dealing with are coming out; there's only so much time can go by before everything rises to the surface. My anger surfaced on Sunday, in the form of a well intentioned phone call. Just can't hold it in anymore, I guess. Promises were made, will promises be kept? I'm not holding my breath. That part of my faith has been tested, and worn down. It's sad when a girl, or anyone for that matter, questions whether or not she can trust the people in her life that are supposed to love her.

A lot of people that were supposed to love me have tested me, and I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by other peoples actions moreso than my own..even though I do have legitimate reason for exhaustion lately. I've been working on myself, inside and out. Hopefully it will start to pay off.
Small changes that I've both consciously and unconsciously made show themselves at times, and I get a sudden wave of pride. I'm glad that I'm getting to a point where I actually think things through, and weigh my options. I've never considered m yself impulsive, but upon a closer inspection, I do have impulsive tendencies.

However, everything depends on the situation. I alter my reactions, responses, and views based on circumstances. I don't know if that makes me open minded, or gullible. I'm not easily swayed into believing everything people tell me. I'm a skeptic. I'm a critic. I'm an analyst. I'm a realist. I used to consider myself a pessimist, until I got back here. I became the optimist for once. I think now it's finally starting to balance out, where I don't even feel the need to label, or strain to change what comes naturally to me. I'm figuring out who I am at this point in my life, and I think that's what Im supposed to do anyway. I guess I can't be on that wrong of a path if people around me seem more lost than I am.

I just can't wait til July 1st. I know I won't shake this irritated feeling until then. 8 days. Maybe some of the clouds will start to clear in July. July should be a good month. I got some things coming up I'm looking forward to. Except I can't believe how close I'm getting to being 24. Yikes!








somebodys heart is broken
it becomes your favorite song

DMB - Time Bomb.

I'm a ticking time bomb
Waiting to blow my top
No one would ever know
Not until I blew up

No one would believe it
He was such a normal guy
Shake their heads and wonder why

Martians fell from the sky
What would that do to god?
Would we put the weapons down
Or aim it up at the sky

No one would believe it
Except the fucking nut jobs
They laugh and cry we told you so

Baby when I get home
I want to believe in Jesus
Hammer in the final nail
Help me pick up the pieces

When everything starts to fall
So fast that it terrifies you
When will you hit the wall?
Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it
Except for all the people
Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home
I want to pick up the pieces
Hammer in the final nail
And lean me up against jesus

Baby when I get home
I want to pick up the pieces
Hammer in the final nail
I want to believe in jesus

What a strange day...

Today started out like any other day..me peeling myself out of bed, satisfied with my weekend. Traffic on 690 is down to one lane by West St., so it takes at least ten minutes longer than usual to get to work. That doesn't bother me so much.

What bothers me is the foot long scrape that I discovered on the passenger side of my car. Probably from the drunk muscle-shirt wearing slob that was drinking and swaying around in the parking lot by his storage unit all day yesterday. That doesn't make me too happy, because those are the things that people shouldn't get away with...but I'll do my best to paint it.

That bad mood passed, and was followed by a certain bliss. I have not yet become bored with this routine, I kind of welcome it. After all, I have so much to look forward to in these coming summer months. Dave concerts, reunions, beautiful weather, and great friends.

I got a phone call today. That ringtone twists my stomach into knots, in a good way. "I've been thinking about ya" flooded my heart. Sometimes all you need to hear is a certain voice, and everything seems to make sense. Everybody who regularly reads this and who knows me knows whos voice that is. There's been more and more talk about taking it to the next level, and it doesn't seem like a joke anymore, or a taunt. I could be wrong, but it just feels different. We shall see. A couple months and being together could be possible. That's a good amount of time to get myself together. I better hurry. I have a newfound motivation - one that comes from within AND outside sources.

I think that I am good on my own. But I think with the right person, I would feel infintitely better. I don't need it. I want it. I think that's healthy to have desires in life. Anybody who claims that they're satisfied is usually kidding themselves, and others. Those who seem satisfied to the outside also may be the most unsatisfied on the inside. Learned that lesson the hard way. There's nothing like love; the fact that it can feel so damn good and hurt so damn bad simultaneously and that nobody can seem to put the feeling into words or an explanation.


Anyways, just felt like exploding so I had to have some sort of outlet. Today starts a new life for me. It's official. Stay tuned.







you have my heart. dont break mine and i wont break yours.