Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Just climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try
Climbing.

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
The hill in my own way
Just wait awhile for the right day
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down
Hear the sound of the things you said today

Fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd
Smiling
Merciless, the magistrate turns round
Frowning
And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear lines in his brow
You look down
Hear the sounds of the faces in the crowd

She feels like kicking out all the windows

It's been a few weeks, I know. Things are ever changing. I think the thing i seek most lately would have to be balance. I'm trying to find my groove, of what works for me. The gears are still a little rusty, though.

I finally got high speed at work, and I can't believe I went 4 months without it...I really can't. I will never have to hear that eeee errrrr eeeee KKKKKKK of the dial-up modem again! Won't miss that! As of now, I'm chatting with Kacie on facebook AND blogging at the same time! And there's not even smoke coming out of the computer! I think Steve's intimidated by the lightning speed of the computer. By the time he finished asking me to look something up, I already had it up on the screen. He was astonished. I can't wait til the next time he asks me to look up the "radar" on the weather, and we can actually see the animations!! That'll be a BIG day for both of us!!

Anyway, Kacie is coming out tonight for some much needed fun. It should be a really good time, since it always is. I'm excited about that.

I've been reading a few good books lately. "Why your life sucks and what you can do about it" and "Don't be THAT girl". They offer insight written in a humorous way - something I can definitely relate to and get more out of than something clinically written. I'm still waiting to hear back from the therapist I called a couple weeks ago. She's been on vacation. I'm looking forward to adding that to the steps I've taken in order to get myself back.

My birthday's in a couple weeks. Where did 23 go?? No matter what, 24 is going to be my year. I'm going to make it so. Cause when 25 rolls around, I don't want to be asking myself the same questions.

Monica's back in town, and I'm soooooo glad. It's been amazing hanging out with her like we used to. I needed it. We always seem to come into eachother's lives full force when it's really needed. I have a good feeling that we'll both be okay. We're strong, and smart. And TOUGH. And anybody who is "not nice" to either of us doesn't deserve our time. I'm learning that. There's no reason not to be nice at this age. I'm not who I was in high school anymore, and people need to recognize that. If they can't, that's sad.

I'll get there.


Love you mom.

Amazing what a minute can do...

Yeah, so things have changed a bit since my last post. Couple more relationships have gone to shit, including my very favorite one that was undefinable by any standards.

I emailed a counselor and am waiting to hear back. I'm excited to finally be getting some help.

Saturday was a disaster, Sunday was depressing, and Monday and Tuesday I spent mostly numb.

Today was different though...I feel more alive. I'm taking matters into my own hands. I might be depressed, shaken, and hurt...but I'm still smart as hell and I'm going to use it to my advantage.

I put my NY plates on my car. It's official! Now to get the inspection (cross your fingers) and oil change my baby so desperately needs.

Monica's back in town, I'm so glad. She also got verizon yesterday which is even better news!!! I miss her being around. I hope she sticks to her guns like I am trying to..we always seem to be there to support eachother, even though shes a big fan of tough love, and I don't need that right now. I beat myself up enough, I think.

I talked to Kirsten for a long time yesterday, and it really gave me some clarity. Her and I are both so articulate, intellectual, and deep. She puts things in perspective in a way that only a friend can. We're more like sisters. Ups and downs, family affairs, long history and plenty of memories. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with her. She's trying to plan a trip to South Carolina, and she said that I can go with her. I have to get details, but I'm going to mention it to my boss today. I just hope I'll be able to pay my rent if I do decide to go. I think I'd sacrifice some money for some relaxation with my mom and friends.

I've been lazy as far as the gym goes this week. I just HATE the smell in that place. And I think they're trying to sweat us all out of there. I think I've lost about 10-15 lbs since I started going though, I feel the difference in my clothes, even if I don't look that much different. The jeans I was squeezing into in the winter now hang loosely. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I'm going to keep going..but I needed a couple days off.

I needed a couple days off from seeing the exercise maniac that's there every day, wasting away, going slowly on the elliptical for over an hour, then to the treadmill, then back. She can't weigh more than 85 pounds, and she always looks so sad. She definitely has some kind of issue, and it can't be healthy. Doesn't anyone care enough about her to say something?

I'm glad I have people that would say something to me. Tough love. Such a true statement.