Part 1 of 2: Welcome 2010.

First of all, I can't believe it's been over a month since I wrote last. Especially with the holidays going on, and the beginning of a new decade, and possibly a new era. Let me start with Thanksgiving. I went to Wisconsin to meet and eat with Rebecca's family. Let's just say they're the type of family that seems like an urban myth these days. The warmth that radiates from these people's souls is eminent. Yes, we were "family" through the coupling of my brother and one of their own, but to really feel accepted upon a first meeting is rare. (At least in my experience). It made me miss my own dysfunctional extended family, in a strange way. They were just so at ease with the tradition that surrounded them. This had become woven into their lives..this was to be expected..this was the norm. What lucky people. It was great to see my brother and my mom, it had been awhile. I always find comfort in the strange sort of telepathy that my brother and I share. As the miles apart have increased, I think that our bond has grown stronger. I think we've learned to appreciate each other in a way that many siblings never get to. It was nice to be around stereotypical grandparents...where its FUN to go to Grandma's house. You get spoiled, you eat well, and you feel safe and loved. You can just see the history and the roots of that family that have taken hold and are not to be lifted.

Having roots was always important to me...and I don't think I am alone when I say that I thought this generation would be different. Patterns of broken families past would turn around, and we would start our own pattern of successful relationships and housefuls of jolly people at Christmastime. No such luck. I guess no matter how much you want some things, you may never get them. That is why I valued the time I spent with Rebecca's family so much. They are such normal people - with senses of humor, stories to tell, hugs to give. I'll always cherish that memory of Thanksgiving.


Onto Christmas. This Christmas, I visited Danielle in Long Island. Now for some reason, the oddest, and sometimes most unbelievable things happen when Danielle and I join forces. When I'm with her I don't care how loud I laugh in public, or if the traffic was terrible going down there, or if I don't wear anything except yoga pants and hoodies for 5 days. I don't care about much except having the best time I possibly can..and thats always what happens with her. It's not until we venture out together that I realize how long it's been since I've had a good hard laugh. A knee slapping, can't breathe, tears streaming laugh. So here goes...our adventures are plenty.

Day One: I get there around 7:30...not too bad! I say hello to Danielles 93 year old Grandma. I have met her at least 5 times. She doesn't remember me at all. I say hello to her mom, and thank her for letting me crash the party for Christmas. We pick up Shitbag, our beloved ex housemate, and a good old friend of Danielle's. We head over to her friend Allie's house so that they can exchange gifts. After seeing what people with money buy for each other at Christmas, and drinking a Sam Adams Cranberry something or other, we head out to a bar called Rookie's, which is frequented by Danielle's "frens" (We call not-so-great friends frens because one time I got a drunken text message from Danielle saying "my frens are assholes"...and it kinda stuck). That bar didn't have room to breathe in. So Shitbag, Danielle, and I went to Outback for a late night dinner. The service was terrible, and the drinks weren't strong enough.

Day Two: I wake up and immediately take a stupid picture of myself to send to Danielle in the next room, to let her know I'm awake. After over an hour of no response, I go in and jump on her to check her vitals. This is a tradition between us. Whoever's awake first has to jump on the other person. She's alive. We went to the store to get some supplies, which included windshield wiper fluid for Danielle's car. When we got back, I asked her if she wanted me to put it in, since she didn't know how to do it I assumed. I was right. Her hood wouldn't pop. Stuck shut. Oh well. That day was baking day! We made some ripple bread, which is a tradition from my family. We also made dough to make rollout Christmas cookies the next day. Shitbag came over, and we were left on our own in the house. We made some Christmasy chocolate drinks, and danced around the kitchen. Later that night, Danielle and I went to Sue and Derek's, her old bosses from the bakery she worked at for a decade. I had a couple drinks, Danielle had one (she was driving), and we left. Needless to say, we got about 1/8 of a mile away from Danielle's house. The side roads on Long Island were never plowed, and it was a myriad of slush, ice, and snow. Taking a right turned out to be impossible, and we coasted ever so gracefully into a snowbank. Right in someone's front lawn. We couldn't have been going more than 5 miles an hour. The nice people came out of their house at 12:30 at night, and gave us a ride home. The car wouldn't start back up, and there was no digging it out. We'd deal with it in the morning.

Day Three: Christmas! "Let's go for a ride in my car! OH WAIT." We head down the street to assess the damage. Danielle tries to start the car again..no luck. We call AAA. It takes them about an hour to get there. This guy who looks like Santa on meth hops out of the truck, and in his Long Island accent says "what happened?"...like we did this on purpose, gifting a lawn ornament to these poor people on Christmas. Santa surveys the car, gets in, tries to start it. IT STARTS. Santa then struts from the car to the tow truck, and apparently had a case of the walking farts. Danielle didn't hear it, but I did. He pulls the car out, and it's fine. Totally fine! The invincible Maxima! Danielle drives it home, and I follow in my car. I notice that the hood is now ajar. I say "well, would you like me to put the fluid in now?" "sure...so that's all I had to do to get my hood to open was run into a snowbank..why didn't someone tell me sooner?!" this was just the morning. we got back to Danielle's in one piece, and started rolling out our Christmas cookies. Me, being the pervert that I am, noticed that the pumpkin cookie cutter looked alot like balls. Behold, the penis cookie. We made 5, one for each of the young girls that would be there (me, Danielle, her crazy sister Kathy, and Kathy's Jewish friend Jess). Kathy arrived, and seemed to be acting semi normal. Next came presents. Danielle didn't really get anything from her family. Except a hard time. We retired to the basement to watch some TV and have a couple drinks..we'd be needing it. The fun started soon after. Danielle's mom's "cousin" or something, which Danielle had met like once years ago, showed up for dinner. She was something else...she reminded me of if Madonna had let herself go, but still had that 80's feathered short hairdo. She seemed kind of...off. Kathy said "she's just friendly," but Kathy's also batshit nuts. Birds of a feather, I guess. Danielle ventured upstairs for a couple mini quiches, and Madonna slapped the back of her thigh a few times, and maybe caressed her a little more than she should have. Seemed like she might have popped an extasy tablet. Safely back in the basement, Danielle and I had a couple more drinks, and later were summoned for dinner. Penne a la vodka was for dinner, and it was delicious. Danielle got stuck sitting next to Madonna, and I was stuck next to Danielle's mom's boyfriend Doug. Kind of a dweeb. Laughs like a goose. Danielle and I were holding hands under the table every time Madonna would get a little too close or Doug would laugh a little too loud. Madonna REALLY loved the vodka sauce. She set her plate practically on top of Danielle's plate, saying "MORE SAUCE! MORE SAUCE!" Well, needless to say we survived dinner. After dinner came the real treat. Danielle's mom bought little trinket whistles that each played a different note. We lined up and whistled Christmas carols. We both couldn't believe it was happening, and tried to get out of it. Back in the basement: we were gettin drunk. Shitbag came over again, Kathy and Jess were in the basement with us. Kathy was insulting everyone, especially me, and I had to leave the room. The last thing I remember is seeing Madonna playing with stuffed animals under the Christmas tree.

Day Four: We awoke to a text from Shitbag "Im sleeping in your basement" YESSSS! We both cried. Immediately, we went down and jumped on him (tradition). Later that day, Danielle and I ended up eavesdropping on a conversation between Kathy and her mom. Not intentionally, the answering machine upstairs picked up the call. Danielles mom heard us laughing, and came upstairs. Ended up as a screaming match. Next thing I know, everyone in the house is ignoring us, and Danielle is being called an alcoholic. As they all sat downstairs planning the intervention, Danielle and I went to go out to dinner to Chili's. Just down the road. We're cruising along at 30 mph, and the hood of the car flies up, leaving us a small window to see out of at the bottom. After I put the wiper fluid in, I didn't latch it completely. Danielle yells "IM SCARED!" and clutches my hand. Despite the danger of the situation, neither of us could stop laughing. The hood slammed itself shut while still driving, and soon after we were able to pull into a parking lot. I couldn't breathe, and the most she could do was utter "its just like Tommy Boy!" and I said "thats exactly what i was thinking!" After composing ourselves, and actually realizing that that just happened, we went to Chili's. Where we still could not stop laughing. Only us, we both agreed. Wow. After that, we stopped at Sue and Derek's again, where we encouraged a remix of Jingle Bells into Derek singing "Dangle Balls." (I have this on film). Danielle and I have been obsessed with the word "dangle" lately. Don't ask why.

Day Five: The drive home. We did a couple errands in the morning, and came home to a room full of empty beer cans that had been previously bagged up in her basement. her mom came in, threw them everywhere. She also confescated every single drop of alcohol in the house, and hid it. Including the stuff that I had brought as a gift to the family. It was ridiculous. Danielle immediately started hunting for apartments. I don't blame her. I got on the road around quarter to three. I didn't get home until 9:30ish. Let's just say, traffic was a nightmare. As usual. And so ends my Christmas vacation.

Has she really lost her mind? I couldn't tell you, I've lost mine.

Well, first of all le tme start by saying that my space bar is broken on my keyboard at my apt. Sorry for the spacing mistakes, if any, in advance. It's been awhile since Ive written, mainly becuase not much has happened. I often wonder if my current situation is more the direct result of my actions, or others. Maybe it's 50/50..I'll never know. I do feel helpless though. I can't control others, as much as sometimes I'd like to. It's beyond our control. We only get one soul to inhabit, one mind to feed, and one body to utilize. All three of those key components to life seem to be in pain right now.

My father frustrates me to this day. Today i broke down and actually texted him back with a sarcastic comment. I'm done being nice, at least to him. He wants communication, that;s how he;s going to get it. And true to form as of late, he dodges the real issue and brings something else up. I don't expect anything from him anymore, but that fact alone sends me into a tailspin. Can't we, as children..grown or not..have expectations of our parents? Or is it solely their jobs to have expectations of us? What happens when our parents disappoint us? Is it more traumatizing as a whole? Children are supposed to let t heir parents down, test their limits, challenge them as parents and as people. My father let me down. THe one guy on this vast planet that I could almost guarantee wouldn't do it, h as done the unthinkable. This is definitely "old news" on the larger scale, but it hurts every single day. And it wil continue to hurt. He said to me today "I can't chang ethings back. mom is stil ur mom and im stil ur dad. we both love you beyond the sky. make the best of today and remember and cherish the past. im sorry i hur tyou so. " Make the best of today? DOn't I do that every day considering the circumstances? To this i replied "yeah im sory too. bu tim the one thast sad everyt day and moms the one thats alone. so things dont seem too awful bad for you. youre the one that got a new family out of this, you did. your old one misses the old you, thats all i know"

Really though, what am i supposed to say? that its ok, all is forgiven..just because this happens regularly in today's world? No, I don't think so. I didn't think I'd become a statistic in that sense, and even though Im a young adult, grown woman, whatever...it still hurts. This whole thing has altered my entire perception of marriage, family, men, ..my own impending future. I wouldn't be human if I pretended that it didn't. Maybe I should haev stayed in therapy. But that woman was almost a corpse and I didn't want anyone's money going to waste just for me to repeat the same answers 20 times in a 60 minute session. Yes, I could get another therapist. I'm trying to get through this by myself. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, isn't that all you have anyway?

I'm sorry if my posts are dismal and depressing, I;ve been notified by various parties that they are. But the only people that read this trluly care for me, and I believe they read it for a greater sense of just simply knowing me. For that I'm grateful. I'm grateful of the audience I do have, no matter how big or small. I'm grateful for a lot of things. Maybe I don't express this enough. So to those of you that deserve it, thank you.

Lately I have been watching the series "Dead Like Me". an 18 year old is killed in a freak accident, and she becomes a grim reaper. she stil walks among the living, but is not seen as she was in her "old life." She takes the souls of people who are set to die before their actual time comes. I recommend watching at least one episode. It gives a gritty realness to something none of us have any real idea about, but are all curious of. It gave me a sense of peace about how my own death would occur. The one guarantee in life is death. They say it's taxes and death, but I know people who evade taxes. Strange how once you're given life, the only guarantee is its polar opposite. I do want to make the most of my time here, as myself. I have been fortunate to encounter plenty of souls who are fully good. I cherish these people in my life, and wherever I'm headed after this life is over, I hope to encounter them again.

My head is swimming with doubt, grief, ideas, thoughts, ambition even. You'd never know it. I think its a blessing that our brains are on the inside, and that nobody else can know our thoughts unless we choose to share them. Who we choose to share them with, though, is truly important. When someone chooses to take the gifts you've given them and throw them away, they are not worth sharing with anymore. The one thing that gets in the way of this perfectly sane idea is love. I hate love, and I hate what it does. Even when you gain love, it seems you lose something. ..yourself, your friends, your motivation..something always goes when something else comes. The whole "when one door closes, another opens" mantra comes to mind here. It's true, but the opposite is also true. Where are these metaphorical doors? Not in my one-bedroom apartment, I know that.

So to all my followers - I didn't mean to depress you. I just had a lot to say and blogging really does seem to let me get it all out in an enjoyable way. Whatever I can do to take my mind off of working overtime is a welcome distraction. I do thank god for my humor. That seems to be the one personality trait that has gotten me through plenty of heartbreaking situations, conversations, and days. "Live, laugh, love" Well...screw love. Just live and laugh. We can survive without love...but if you do find someone you love, and who loves you just as much in return, then take it for what its worth, and enjoy it while it lasts. We do only have a short time here. If love is true, it'll far surpass our earthly habitation.

Well, it's October

I adore the fall. It smells so different...I'd rather be outside on a sunny fall day than a hot summer day. I've tried making the most out of the good days we've had, but lately it's been more of a monsoon season. Thank god I finally got my window fixed - for a mere $290. YIKES.
A few more car repairs, and I should be good for the winter.

I'm trying to save up money lately. I know in the winter I'll be more likely to, since there's simply less going on. I think I'm going to invest the 17.99 a month in netflix. There are plenty of movies out there that I haven't seen yet, and I'm bound and determined to catch up this winter. I'm heading down to Long Island/New York City for Christmas, and I'm trying to put money aside each week in order to make my trip more enjoyable and have a little fun.

Another thing I'm looking forward to about this month is maybe hitting up a hayride for a night of fun with some friends, and I have an apple picking date with my favorite person under 5 and one of my favorite people over 20. I haven't been to Beak & Skiff in years, but I always remember good feelings, good times, and great childhood memories. And the smells...can't beat the smells.

The Lafayette apple fest is this weekend..I also plan on attending that for a few hours. Should be a good time. How I love the fall, minus this shitty rain we've been having. Enough is enough, its been two weeks of this.

Other than loving this time of year, there's not really much to update on. I'm happy that hoodies can be worn again. I'm still wearing flip flops, though.

It was a year ago this month that my father moved out of the house for good. Yeah, time goes by. Still hurts everyday. A year goes by. I'm a year older...am I a year wiser? I think so. I love looking back and feeling like I've learned something - whether it be about other people, or more importantly, about myself. This whole getting older thing isn't my favorite, but I guess I'll stick around to see how I end up. I'm still determined that 24 will be "my year" though. One way or another, when I see 25 I'll feel good about it.

hi!!!

I'm writing a happy entry today. Am I happy today? Not particularly. My head hurts from last night, I'm not wearing a bra, and I could probably eat anything put in front of me right now. But I'm writing a happy entry for Sarah's sake. There apparently isn't enough sunshine in my life. So, here is a list of things I'm currently thankful for.

- hoodies
- this beautiful BEAUTIFUL fall day.
- my car and the fact that it still works
- mi madre.
- pets.
- my "workday" is half over
- my boss
- hulu
- stolen internet connections
- my ipod
- the color orange
- the smell of my pillow
- mi hermano
- my friends
- texting
- freckles
- having green eyes
- free samples
- sweat p's
- laughter.
- Dave Matthews Band
- old pictures
- finally having high speed internet at work
- memories
- pizza for breakfast
- my hands and feet
- rye bread and dill dip from Wegmans
- the smell of autumn
- the death of fruitflies

I could go on, but I need to go back to watching hulu and icing my head with a coldpack from the freezer. I could use one of those eyemasks. Maybe I'll bring one in and put it in the fridge. My boss would LOVE that. :-)

Have a good day everybody...and especially YOU bword.

Money, its a crime

My main stress lately has been money. I am debating whether therapy is worth it at this point in my life. I think I'd rather have a car whos window goes all the way up. Oh, and I'd also like to pay down my credit card debt. It just seems like a waste of my time and energy to re-live everything, and pay to do so. I'm going for the second time tomorrow, and I'm hoping my 90 year old psychiatrist is more attentive this time. If this one doesn't get any better, I'm going to tell her that I'm having financial issues and will call her in the future.

It seems the more money I make, the more I spend. Isn't that how it always goes? I may look into getting a second job..but frankly, I simply don't want to. My debt weighs on me daily, and I can't help but think about it. 500 dollars here, 150 dollars there, 600 dollars over there. It doesn't seem like much, but it is. I hate paying rent. I'd rather be paying for a house. However, I would like someone to share a house with.

My birthday weekend was good. I've found that once a week goes by since something happens I simply stop caring about it. Maybe this is good in some instances, maybe it's bad. I'm not sure yet. One thing I do have to look forward to is the rapidly approaching fall. There were a few days where that smell was in the air. That smell makes me glad to be alive. Anyone who's been in New York in the fall knows the smell that I'm talking about. I don't like when summer lingers - it has had its chance to be a season. Fall's glory is cut short as it is. I'm tired of sweating, I'm ready for sweatshirts and flannel sheets.

There are often times I feel compelled to write in my blog, and I'm sorry that as of late it's not really anything worth reading. But things in my life aren't really worth writing about right now, either. I get sick of the boredom, the predictability of myself and others. I'm craving someone new in my life, no matter what form it comes in. I know there's somebody out there that still has the ability to surprise me. Like a quote from one of my favorite movies, American Beauty, "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself." I think that's what I'll work on now. Being able to pleasantly surprise myself. I need to take control of myself, my life, and my actions. Feelings and thoughts I cannot control, but how I react to them is what gives me the power.

my head hurts

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
wanted from me, and knowing
If I give it to you,
I might just disappear

No one wins when everyone's losing,
oh its like
one step forward and two steps back
no matter what i do you're always mad
and i can't change your mind

its like trying to turn around on a one way street
i can't give you what you want and it's killing me,
and i, i'm starting to see
that maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
It's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
that there's no way out for you and me
and it seems to be the story of our life




there's still time to turn this around
should we be buildin it up
instead of tearing it down
but i keep thinking
maybe it's too late

Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Just climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try
Climbing.

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
The hill in my own way
Just wait awhile for the right day
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down
Hear the sound of the things you said today

Fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd
Smiling
Merciless, the magistrate turns round
Frowning
And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear lines in his brow
You look down
Hear the sounds of the faces in the crowd