And sometimes you close your eyes and see...

The place where you used to live.
when you were young.


For some reason those words from a really good Killers song always ring in my head. When I close my eyes, sometimes I do see the place that I used to live. Warm, home, comfort, stability, love, welcome, breathe. Gone. This place has never felt so foreign. I'm lost in a sea of uneasiness, and I guess it takes me aback still, because I thought I had already weathered plenty of personal storms. I just want it to be over, one way or another. But in the meantime, I keep taking deep breaths. I keep wanting to fast forward. i wonder what I can possibly learn from all this except how to hurt more efficiently. Everything sets me off lately. Major mood swings, depth of thought has increased, self-doubt increased. I told my mom tonight that all this shit just inspires me to get the hell out of this house faster. I came home because he asked me to. I guess I should start realizing not to listen to him like I used to. I wish he wasn't separate from my life. There's nothing I can say anymore, and that feeling of helplessness and the awareness that my seemingly unpenetrable foundation has just crumbled beneath me is really unsettling. Yes, you can be my father without being married to my mother. But my dad has always been married to my mom. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be for me to get used to this adjustment. Knowing me, it won't.

Cambio

Things have been up and down lately. I'm really tired of the day-by-day mentality, but I guess that's just how it has to be. Everything seems to irritate me. I'm finding out who really wanted to stay in touch with me and who really doesn't seem to care. It's not what I expected. Mom went back to work yesterday so now it's just Allie and I during the day. She's boring though. I wouldn't say I'm bored yet...almost being here for a month now, but I'm more restless. I'm motivated in my mind and my thoughts but not my actions. If I could connect the two, I'd be unstoppable. My head's in a million different places right now and I'm finding it hard to focus on any one thing. As I go through the things in my room, memories come flooding back of the way my life used to be. And I remember being 18, "with the whole world in front of me," but it didn't feel that way at the time. I can't say if I was there again I'd do things differently, but there are certain moments that I'm not so fond of my decision making. When I graduated high school nothing big in my life had changed yet. From 18 on it seems like it's been nothing BUT changes. I'm ready to have my feet planted firmly, and I'm ready for some mundane events. The break-ups, the make-ups, the moving, the deaths...put it all on hold. I understand that it's all part of life, but I need a chance to catch my breath. However, I also know that a higher power wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Referring to an old saying, and more recently a Kanye West song..."that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" is proving true. But when will I be strong enough? And who decides?

Surreal

Well, it's official. No more NYS license or plates on my car. I never thought I'd have a palm tree on my license plate, but now I do! The DMV was kind of scary, definitely a "local" area of SC. The people are nice though..friendly if you just talk to them. I still don't believe I moved. I do miss my friends, but we've managed to keep in touch for the most part. Some are planning trips and I couldn't be more excited! There's so much I want to do here, and I don't have to pack it in this time. I'm stayyyyyyying. I washed my car for the first time in about two years by hand yesterday, and dad waxed it. It looks amazing. Yeah, thats about the most exciting thing that's happened. I felt that I should write tonight. But I really don't have updates anymore because for once I'm actually at peace.