And sometimes you close your eyes and see...

The place where you used to live.
when you were young.


For some reason those words from a really good Killers song always ring in my head. When I close my eyes, sometimes I do see the place that I used to live. Warm, home, comfort, stability, love, welcome, breathe. Gone. This place has never felt so foreign. I'm lost in a sea of uneasiness, and I guess it takes me aback still, because I thought I had already weathered plenty of personal storms. I just want it to be over, one way or another. But in the meantime, I keep taking deep breaths. I keep wanting to fast forward. i wonder what I can possibly learn from all this except how to hurt more efficiently. Everything sets me off lately. Major mood swings, depth of thought has increased, self-doubt increased. I told my mom tonight that all this shit just inspires me to get the hell out of this house faster. I came home because he asked me to. I guess I should start realizing not to listen to him like I used to. I wish he wasn't separate from my life. There's nothing I can say anymore, and that feeling of helplessness and the awareness that my seemingly unpenetrable foundation has just crumbled beneath me is really unsettling. Yes, you can be my father without being married to my mother. But my dad has always been married to my mom. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be for me to get used to this adjustment. Knowing me, it won't.