to my mom

Mom, I love you. You've become the woman I hope I can be in the future. I know you're reading this and I hope you know I think of you everyday, and have since you've left NY. We've had our issues but I'm glad you're my mom, and wouldn't trade you for anything. Please don't worry so much about me though, this is my journey too, and you need to focus on you. I'm not 12 anymore, and I will have to go through my process with this, as you have. But don't try to protect me from things I need to feel. It's instinct, I know. But unfortunately there's nothing you can do or say to protect me from this. Any part of it. If you need me, I'm always here. If you need me to say something to you for reassurance, I'll say it. If you want to look to me as a friend, I'll be one. I have an unlimited amount of respect for you. My stubborn teenage self would not admit this, but hopefully by saying this you will realize how much I have grown up. I know this is hard on everybody, but I'm just as concerned about you as you are of me. Youre the most beautiful woman I've ever known, not in spite of your flaws, but because of them. I'm better because you're my mother. Thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me this chance to laugh, love, learn and live.

I wanna feel the car crash...

Ive got a few great songs stuck in my head as of tonight...there's something about Matt Nathanson's voice, and the fact that I've seen him live, from ten feet away...for free. Car crash, wedding dress, all we are, answering machine, gone, come on get higher....download them. This isn't getting any easier. Monica said it won't....and she's five years into the destruction. Im hoping there will be no destruction, but the current shakiness of the situation is a mental image of a teeter totter balanced on a glass center. If that glass shatters, the teeter totter is going to fall one way. Chances are that won't be the way I would hope. I don't know how I can be expected to have kind words, if any, to say right now. I've barely spoken to myself. I've only spoken to the very few close friends I have, and that was to say the words I'd never have to say. My father fucked up. It was the one thing I thought I was safe from. I guess it just goes to show me that in life, you can't count on anything. At all. I guess this helps me to "grow up" as my mom told me I should do today on the phone. Alright, I'm growing up. Yeah...this is exactly the way I wanted to learn my lessons. There's my sarcasm again. Thanks, parents. Since I am an adult now, and according to the world have been for four years, I suppose I should focus on what's in the future. I guess now this motivates me even more to get my own life going...not to rely on my parents. I guess it was too strong a wall, but it was a false sense of strength. It does help me to grow up. I am grown up, and have in a lot of ways. When my family left me alone in NY, i was devestated...I still am not used to the fact that I can't just drive home in a matter of an hour. I can't pull into that driveway, hear a familiar creak of a stair or the bark of a welcoming dog. I don't know where the spare keys are kept in the new house. Im still bitter. Changes happened suddenly for me, and from 20-22 I've seen a lot of things happen, opened my eyes to a lot of things...and as of now experienced a heartbreak beyond anything thus far. I don't expect anybody to understand me, cause even I don't, yet. But I know I'm awesome. And I'm waiting for my chance to be happy. I just wanted ONE WEEK...but never again will I have hopes of this week. Things will get easier with time, but in this case, time can't come quick enough...

P.S. - Matt Nathanson...seriously....

What ever happened to alliesbud?

Not only have I never seen that screen name online, I'm missing the person behind it. I'm sad, disappointed, discouraged, everything...I'm waiting for the sun to reappear in my life. If you don't know what Im talking about, you don't need to. I've communicated to my closest friends what's going on in my life, in my family. I feel like im falling apart. i finally get to a place where i feel like everythings okay enough to the point where I can really focus on me, and its not. Mom tells me not to worry. Telling me not to worry about something like this is like telling the sun not to rise. My dad's disappeared...i dunno who this new person is. i dont like him very much, either. i dont like how he's making me feel. i havent been this hurt in a long time. all i can do now is wait for a response.

The grades are in....

Well I saw my grades from Binghamton today. Sort of what I expected, sort of not. "I'm happy" (folks reference). I start my final college course in a couple weeks through Finger Lakes Community College. It lasts about a month, and then I'll officially be done! Im hoping to stay at the lakehouse in DeRuyter for a couple weeks this summer before I leave, I kinda need that time to reflect and think....and I can't think of a better place to do it. Talk about great childhood memories. I was such a badass back then. Sneaking out of tents at midnight, risking exposure to racoons and juvenile delinquent local boys....Sipping wine coolers and putting the caps back on...we knew all the "tricks" to having a good time at age 14....we thought we fooled our parents but Im sure they were well aware. Then again, there was always that lingering smell..a smell we couldnt pinpoint at the time....but a few years later we were well aware that those weren't "burning leaves." Therefore, I don't know about the level of awareness of our shenanigans. Man I've had some good times there. Everything wwas so simple then.. so easy and carefree. Gas prices, degrees, psychotic ex boyfriends (satan, are you listening?), gaining weight, having a job....none of this mattered or was even a blip on our radar. Just thinking about it gives me a certain peace of mind - I'm thrilled to even have memories like that to reflect upon. All I can hope for is that I get to revisit this place sometime in the near future. In my 22 years spent in NY, that place is one of my most sacred spots. Im just grateful that such wonderful people let me experience that with them. I know I have lifelong friends in them. IT's a good feeling. I guess that's it for now, just felt like writing. That's what these things are for, though.

I shoulda done this much sooner....

I had another "blog" on another site, but everytime I wrote a really good entry, something would happen and I'd lose it. So I'm following in my family's footsteps and went with blogspot. Well, I just got finished with college. My last year. It's almost unbelievable but at the same time, I do believe it. There's no way all the crap I went through was all for nothing. All I can say is that I'm relieved. It feels like I'm finally ready for the next step, whatever that may be. There are still a ton of things that need to be sorted out in my life, but it'll get there. I got nothing but time (I hope). I'm trying to look towards the positive, and that's becoming a lot easier now that I am out of such a negative environment as I was in at school. I was getting really defeated, and I don't think I could have lasted much longer. I guess this is it for now, I'll write again soon...hopefully everyday.