Has she really lost her mind? I couldn't tell you, I've lost mine.

Well, first of all le tme start by saying that my space bar is broken on my keyboard at my apt. Sorry for the spacing mistakes, if any, in advance. It's been awhile since Ive written, mainly becuase not much has happened. I often wonder if my current situation is more the direct result of my actions, or others. Maybe it's 50/50..I'll never know. I do feel helpless though. I can't control others, as much as sometimes I'd like to. It's beyond our control. We only get one soul to inhabit, one mind to feed, and one body to utilize. All three of those key components to life seem to be in pain right now.

My father frustrates me to this day. Today i broke down and actually texted him back with a sarcastic comment. I'm done being nice, at least to him. He wants communication, that;s how he;s going to get it. And true to form as of late, he dodges the real issue and brings something else up. I don't expect anything from him anymore, but that fact alone sends me into a tailspin. Can't we, as children..grown or not..have expectations of our parents? Or is it solely their jobs to have expectations of us? What happens when our parents disappoint us? Is it more traumatizing as a whole? Children are supposed to let t heir parents down, test their limits, challenge them as parents and as people. My father let me down. THe one guy on this vast planet that I could almost guarantee wouldn't do it, h as done the unthinkable. This is definitely "old news" on the larger scale, but it hurts every single day. And it wil continue to hurt. He said to me today "I can't chang ethings back. mom is stil ur mom and im stil ur dad. we both love you beyond the sky. make the best of today and remember and cherish the past. im sorry i hur tyou so. " Make the best of today? DOn't I do that every day considering the circumstances? To this i replied "yeah im sory too. bu tim the one thast sad everyt day and moms the one thats alone. so things dont seem too awful bad for you. youre the one that got a new family out of this, you did. your old one misses the old you, thats all i know"

Really though, what am i supposed to say? that its ok, all is forgiven..just because this happens regularly in today's world? No, I don't think so. I didn't think I'd become a statistic in that sense, and even though Im a young adult, grown woman, whatever...it still hurts. This whole thing has altered my entire perception of marriage, family, men, ..my own impending future. I wouldn't be human if I pretended that it didn't. Maybe I should haev stayed in therapy. But that woman was almost a corpse and I didn't want anyone's money going to waste just for me to repeat the same answers 20 times in a 60 minute session. Yes, I could get another therapist. I'm trying to get through this by myself. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, isn't that all you have anyway?

I'm sorry if my posts are dismal and depressing, I;ve been notified by various parties that they are. But the only people that read this trluly care for me, and I believe they read it for a greater sense of just simply knowing me. For that I'm grateful. I'm grateful of the audience I do have, no matter how big or small. I'm grateful for a lot of things. Maybe I don't express this enough. So to those of you that deserve it, thank you.

Lately I have been watching the series "Dead Like Me". an 18 year old is killed in a freak accident, and she becomes a grim reaper. she stil walks among the living, but is not seen as she was in her "old life." She takes the souls of people who are set to die before their actual time comes. I recommend watching at least one episode. It gives a gritty realness to something none of us have any real idea about, but are all curious of. It gave me a sense of peace about how my own death would occur. The one guarantee in life is death. They say it's taxes and death, but I know people who evade taxes. Strange how once you're given life, the only guarantee is its polar opposite. I do want to make the most of my time here, as myself. I have been fortunate to encounter plenty of souls who are fully good. I cherish these people in my life, and wherever I'm headed after this life is over, I hope to encounter them again.

My head is swimming with doubt, grief, ideas, thoughts, ambition even. You'd never know it. I think its a blessing that our brains are on the inside, and that nobody else can know our thoughts unless we choose to share them. Who we choose to share them with, though, is truly important. When someone chooses to take the gifts you've given them and throw them away, they are not worth sharing with anymore. The one thing that gets in the way of this perfectly sane idea is love. I hate love, and I hate what it does. Even when you gain love, it seems you lose something. ..yourself, your friends, your motivation..something always goes when something else comes. The whole "when one door closes, another opens" mantra comes to mind here. It's true, but the opposite is also true. Where are these metaphorical doors? Not in my one-bedroom apartment, I know that.

So to all my followers - I didn't mean to depress you. I just had a lot to say and blogging really does seem to let me get it all out in an enjoyable way. Whatever I can do to take my mind off of working overtime is a welcome distraction. I do thank god for my humor. That seems to be the one personality trait that has gotten me through plenty of heartbreaking situations, conversations, and days. "Live, laugh, love" Well...screw love. Just live and laugh. We can survive without love...but if you do find someone you love, and who loves you just as much in return, then take it for what its worth, and enjoy it while it lasts. We do only have a short time here. If love is true, it'll far surpass our earthly habitation.

Well, it's October

I adore the fall. It smells so different...I'd rather be outside on a sunny fall day than a hot summer day. I've tried making the most out of the good days we've had, but lately it's been more of a monsoon season. Thank god I finally got my window fixed - for a mere $290. YIKES.
A few more car repairs, and I should be good for the winter.

I'm trying to save up money lately. I know in the winter I'll be more likely to, since there's simply less going on. I think I'm going to invest the 17.99 a month in netflix. There are plenty of movies out there that I haven't seen yet, and I'm bound and determined to catch up this winter. I'm heading down to Long Island/New York City for Christmas, and I'm trying to put money aside each week in order to make my trip more enjoyable and have a little fun.

Another thing I'm looking forward to about this month is maybe hitting up a hayride for a night of fun with some friends, and I have an apple picking date with my favorite person under 5 and one of my favorite people over 20. I haven't been to Beak & Skiff in years, but I always remember good feelings, good times, and great childhood memories. And the smells...can't beat the smells.

The Lafayette apple fest is this weekend..I also plan on attending that for a few hours. Should be a good time. How I love the fall, minus this shitty rain we've been having. Enough is enough, its been two weeks of this.

Other than loving this time of year, there's not really much to update on. I'm happy that hoodies can be worn again. I'm still wearing flip flops, though.

It was a year ago this month that my father moved out of the house for good. Yeah, time goes by. Still hurts everyday. A year goes by. I'm a year older...am I a year wiser? I think so. I love looking back and feeling like I've learned something - whether it be about other people, or more importantly, about myself. This whole getting older thing isn't my favorite, but I guess I'll stick around to see how I end up. I'm still determined that 24 will be "my year" though. One way or another, when I see 25 I'll feel good about it.

hi!!!

I'm writing a happy entry today. Am I happy today? Not particularly. My head hurts from last night, I'm not wearing a bra, and I could probably eat anything put in front of me right now. But I'm writing a happy entry for Sarah's sake. There apparently isn't enough sunshine in my life. So, here is a list of things I'm currently thankful for.

- hoodies
- this beautiful BEAUTIFUL fall day.
- my car and the fact that it still works
- mi madre.
- pets.
- my "workday" is half over
- my boss
- hulu
- stolen internet connections
- my ipod
- the color orange
- the smell of my pillow
- mi hermano
- my friends
- texting
- freckles
- having green eyes
- free samples
- sweat p's
- laughter.
- Dave Matthews Band
- old pictures
- finally having high speed internet at work
- memories
- pizza for breakfast
- my hands and feet
- rye bread and dill dip from Wegmans
- the smell of autumn
- the death of fruitflies

I could go on, but I need to go back to watching hulu and icing my head with a coldpack from the freezer. I could use one of those eyemasks. Maybe I'll bring one in and put it in the fridge. My boss would LOVE that. :-)

Have a good day everybody...and especially YOU bword.

Money, its a crime

My main stress lately has been money. I am debating whether therapy is worth it at this point in my life. I think I'd rather have a car whos window goes all the way up. Oh, and I'd also like to pay down my credit card debt. It just seems like a waste of my time and energy to re-live everything, and pay to do so. I'm going for the second time tomorrow, and I'm hoping my 90 year old psychiatrist is more attentive this time. If this one doesn't get any better, I'm going to tell her that I'm having financial issues and will call her in the future.

It seems the more money I make, the more I spend. Isn't that how it always goes? I may look into getting a second job..but frankly, I simply don't want to. My debt weighs on me daily, and I can't help but think about it. 500 dollars here, 150 dollars there, 600 dollars over there. It doesn't seem like much, but it is. I hate paying rent. I'd rather be paying for a house. However, I would like someone to share a house with.

My birthday weekend was good. I've found that once a week goes by since something happens I simply stop caring about it. Maybe this is good in some instances, maybe it's bad. I'm not sure yet. One thing I do have to look forward to is the rapidly approaching fall. There were a few days where that smell was in the air. That smell makes me glad to be alive. Anyone who's been in New York in the fall knows the smell that I'm talking about. I don't like when summer lingers - it has had its chance to be a season. Fall's glory is cut short as it is. I'm tired of sweating, I'm ready for sweatshirts and flannel sheets.

There are often times I feel compelled to write in my blog, and I'm sorry that as of late it's not really anything worth reading. But things in my life aren't really worth writing about right now, either. I get sick of the boredom, the predictability of myself and others. I'm craving someone new in my life, no matter what form it comes in. I know there's somebody out there that still has the ability to surprise me. Like a quote from one of my favorite movies, American Beauty, "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself." I think that's what I'll work on now. Being able to pleasantly surprise myself. I need to take control of myself, my life, and my actions. Feelings and thoughts I cannot control, but how I react to them is what gives me the power.

my head hurts

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
wanted from me, and knowing
If I give it to you,
I might just disappear

No one wins when everyone's losing,
oh its like
one step forward and two steps back
no matter what i do you're always mad
and i can't change your mind

its like trying to turn around on a one way street
i can't give you what you want and it's killing me,
and i, i'm starting to see
that maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
It's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
that there's no way out for you and me
and it seems to be the story of our life




there's still time to turn this around
should we be buildin it up
instead of tearing it down
but i keep thinking
maybe it's too late

Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Just climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try
Climbing.

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
The hill in my own way
Just wait awhile for the right day
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down
Hear the sound of the things you said today

Fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd
Smiling
Merciless, the magistrate turns round
Frowning
And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear lines in his brow
You look down
Hear the sounds of the faces in the crowd

She feels like kicking out all the windows

It's been a few weeks, I know. Things are ever changing. I think the thing i seek most lately would have to be balance. I'm trying to find my groove, of what works for me. The gears are still a little rusty, though.

I finally got high speed at work, and I can't believe I went 4 months without it...I really can't. I will never have to hear that eeee errrrr eeeee KKKKKKK of the dial-up modem again! Won't miss that! As of now, I'm chatting with Kacie on facebook AND blogging at the same time! And there's not even smoke coming out of the computer! I think Steve's intimidated by the lightning speed of the computer. By the time he finished asking me to look something up, I already had it up on the screen. He was astonished. I can't wait til the next time he asks me to look up the "radar" on the weather, and we can actually see the animations!! That'll be a BIG day for both of us!!

Anyway, Kacie is coming out tonight for some much needed fun. It should be a really good time, since it always is. I'm excited about that.

I've been reading a few good books lately. "Why your life sucks and what you can do about it" and "Don't be THAT girl". They offer insight written in a humorous way - something I can definitely relate to and get more out of than something clinically written. I'm still waiting to hear back from the therapist I called a couple weeks ago. She's been on vacation. I'm looking forward to adding that to the steps I've taken in order to get myself back.

My birthday's in a couple weeks. Where did 23 go?? No matter what, 24 is going to be my year. I'm going to make it so. Cause when 25 rolls around, I don't want to be asking myself the same questions.

Monica's back in town, and I'm soooooo glad. It's been amazing hanging out with her like we used to. I needed it. We always seem to come into eachother's lives full force when it's really needed. I have a good feeling that we'll both be okay. We're strong, and smart. And TOUGH. And anybody who is "not nice" to either of us doesn't deserve our time. I'm learning that. There's no reason not to be nice at this age. I'm not who I was in high school anymore, and people need to recognize that. If they can't, that's sad.

I'll get there.


Love you mom.

Amazing what a minute can do...

Yeah, so things have changed a bit since my last post. Couple more relationships have gone to shit, including my very favorite one that was undefinable by any standards.

I emailed a counselor and am waiting to hear back. I'm excited to finally be getting some help.

Saturday was a disaster, Sunday was depressing, and Monday and Tuesday I spent mostly numb.

Today was different though...I feel more alive. I'm taking matters into my own hands. I might be depressed, shaken, and hurt...but I'm still smart as hell and I'm going to use it to my advantage.

I put my NY plates on my car. It's official! Now to get the inspection (cross your fingers) and oil change my baby so desperately needs.

Monica's back in town, I'm so glad. She also got verizon yesterday which is even better news!!! I miss her being around. I hope she sticks to her guns like I am trying to..we always seem to be there to support eachother, even though shes a big fan of tough love, and I don't need that right now. I beat myself up enough, I think.

I talked to Kirsten for a long time yesterday, and it really gave me some clarity. Her and I are both so articulate, intellectual, and deep. She puts things in perspective in a way that only a friend can. We're more like sisters. Ups and downs, family affairs, long history and plenty of memories. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with her. She's trying to plan a trip to South Carolina, and she said that I can go with her. I have to get details, but I'm going to mention it to my boss today. I just hope I'll be able to pay my rent if I do decide to go. I think I'd sacrifice some money for some relaxation with my mom and friends.

I've been lazy as far as the gym goes this week. I just HATE the smell in that place. And I think they're trying to sweat us all out of there. I think I've lost about 10-15 lbs since I started going though, I feel the difference in my clothes, even if I don't look that much different. The jeans I was squeezing into in the winter now hang loosely. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I'm going to keep going..but I needed a couple days off.

I needed a couple days off from seeing the exercise maniac that's there every day, wasting away, going slowly on the elliptical for over an hour, then to the treadmill, then back. She can't weigh more than 85 pounds, and she always looks so sad. She definitely has some kind of issue, and it can't be healthy. Doesn't anyone care enough about her to say something?

I'm glad I have people that would say something to me. Tough love. Such a true statement.

Noir

I've been having trouble sleeping at night. Apparently so has my ex boyfriend. Strange.

I'm tired of it, no pun intended. My bed is comfortable, and the room is dark, and it's quiet minus the ducks, so what's the deal? Oh, that's right, my mind is reeling 24/7.

I got some news last Tuesday, left work early, and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of a relationship that can never be repaired. It's like putting a piece of bubble gum over a leak. It might hold for awhile, but the water will never stop coming through. I'm tired of the roller coaster, I'm tired of the progression of things that should have never started. Quite the snowball effect, if I've ever seen it. The man I knew growing up does not exist anymore, a stranger exists instead. It does break my heart, and there will always be a piece missing. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just lessens the searing pain of it all. Yes, life goes on, but it will never stay the same.

On a more positive note, I found out today that I can see DMB on Tuesday. I have been hoping and praying for this miracle, and it has arrived! YESSSSSSS. Dave Matthews concerts save my soul. <3 dave.

Trav comes home on Sunday. This should be interesting. He's home til next year, so we shall see. I'm good with where we are, wherever that is. Patience is a virtue.

Work's good, friends are good, life is good.

My jam

So, I meant to write sooner, but things have been hectic. My to-do list keeps growing and growing, and my bank account keeps shrinking, and shrinking.

So anyways, 2 weekends ago I went to Long Island to see Danielle. First of all, I get so excited to see her that I shake. So does she, because when I got there she was frantic...lol. The drive down was nice, besides the rainstorms for the first half. Luckily, on the bridges, where it matters..it was clear. Whenever I see her I feel whole again. We spent two long years attached at the hip, and I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Like the saying goes, "a brunette and a blonde with an inseparable bond."

We have such a special friendship, and distance sucks, but it does not defeat. We did our usual jammin things, like drink on the beach and do dirty madlibs using our own language of words we've picked up along the way. People still ask me what a mannejin is. To tell you the truth, I don't really know, I just know when I'm in the presence of one. And we both discovered you can add "ajin or ejin" to just about anything. Say a van cuts you off on the highway and then goes about 30 miles per hour. You yell "VANNEJIN!" Or when a boy is being a jerk, you say his name (ex. Zak) and add "ejin". You get the picture. We really do live in our own world, but it's nice to escape there sometimes. We had a great day at the beach...despite an entire extended Asian family setting up shop right in front of us and began to silently rub lotion all over eachother. We moved shortly after. I got too burnt, Danielle just got more tan.

That night, we went to a local bar that had a mechanical bull and PBR's for 2 bucks each. This was my kinda place, and Danielle took notice of how happy I was. No, we didn't ride the bull, but watching the old people do it was pretty funny. I knew all the country songs, and Danielle just shook her head...lol. The next morning, same as the previous morning, I awoke to Danielle jumping on me. Except this time, she bounced too high, hit her head on the wall, and my first word of the day was "FAIL" and we both immediately laughed. The rest of the day was spent lounging by the pool and drinking beer out of a huge foam fist/cupholder.

My drive back sucked ASS. It took me 3 hours to get off that damn island. I don't know how those people do it. I didn't get home til midnight, and immediately lapsed into a coma.

It was a great weekend though, and I love and miss her so much. Sometimes a couple of days is all you need to remind yourself of a bond. Although I could probably live with her for the rest of my life and never fight with her OR get bored. She's coming up for my birthday, and I CANT WAIT.

cheesy, but appropriate.

Ive been around for you
Ive been up and down for you
But I just cant get any relief
Ive swallowed my pride for you
Ive lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin your love away, cause you never give it
Peeling the years away, and we cant relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

You said wed work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but Im tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that Ive had enough
Ive had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh, Ive got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And thats just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly
Oh, dont you know its...
Its time for me to fly

I can't believe July is half over and this is the first entry I've written! I think it has to do with the recent hiatus of my stolen wireless internet connection at my house. I finally broke down and set up an appointment with Time Warner...and low and behold, a day later, my connection's back. Go figure!

Just more money spent every month. I'm struggling, but keeping positive. I don't know how people live their lives in thousands of dollars of debt and just keep spending on frivolous things. I cringe when I have to buy toilet paper.


As of late, I haven't really been up to much. Nothing exciting, really. Just random weekend excursions when everyone isn't busy. This weekend, however, should be amazing. I'm headed down to Long Island to see Danielle, and maybe Shitbag...if he's not "busy." What a Shitbag. Every time I see Danielle I can count on plenty of laughs, and new additions to our ever expanding dictionary of our own language. It really is like we're in our own world, but sometimes it's nice to go to one where things might not suck as bad. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but hey, thats what my ipod is for. It won't be that bad, barring traffic or unforseen incidents.

Next weekend I have a date with Meghan. I can't wait for that either.

Some scary shit happened last night. I was out at Deruyter Lake visiting Amber, and having a bbq. I noticed while I was sitting in the side yard that there was a buzzing coming from the power lines that ran through a tree. I said to Ambs "uuuh...that doesn't sound good" to which she replied "it's been doing that for years"...still...unsafe. lol. Low and behold, I was talking to my mom in my car when the power lines started sparking, igniting a fire in the tree and then snapping in half, lighting the ground on fire where they landed. One line landed across the hood of the car that was parked behind me. It was pretty nervewracking. We called 911, and they came out. I left around 11:30 at night and all the power was still off, and the guys were still working on it. It was definitely some "final destination shit" as somebody put it to me in a text last night...I hope everything ends up fixed, and safe, and worked out by today.

I'm trying to think of anything else that's happened to me that's ironic, funny, strange, etc...


Oh yeah, on the fourth of july i drank absinthe. me and kim are crazy. it was disgusting. never again.

My favorite song this week is Nosebleed, by Illinois.

I've been getting nightly phone calls, which include propositions, promises, and confessions. I also get follow-ups the next morning, asking me what was said. So I've just started recording them so he can listen to them himself later. lol. "It's all bullshit, anyways" is what I hear, but doesn't the truth come out when you're drunk? He'll be home in a few weeks. This should be very interesting. I'm still not holding my breath, though. If I was, I'd be dead by now.

Ramblings/Bored at work

For some reason, I can only communicate through lyrics as of late. Songs seem to twist words together in a way that explains a complete thought. Sentences just don't find their way into my soul like lyrics do. Even written, without accompanying music, some words seem to navigate their way to my heart easier than others. I often wonder why I am not capable of writing words that way, and it makes me have so much respect and admiration for people who can - songwriters, lyricists. I've always loved the written word, English class, reading books. Words and languages are something to be played with and explored. Grammar doesn't matter in music, punctuation is ignored. In all honesty, none of it makes sense....but in reality, it all makes perfect sense. How is it that I can find everything I want to say in a three minute song?

Mom recently asked me what my facebook status, "amazing what a minute can do" meant. Did it signify something specific? An event, a feeling....did something happen? Say that something did happen. It's true because that single minute, second, or hour could change someone's life forever. However, just stating that without an event actually taking place, or any change occuring...it still rings true. Amazing could be something positive, or something negative. The context to which the actual lyric is supposed to be taken into has to do with a car accident. The song "so damn lucky" is where it originates. It just makes you aware that your life really can change, for better or worse, in one minute or less. There was no specific reason for me to write that; I just like the message.

I'm getting down to the nitty gritty of my own whirlwind of a mind, because things are slowing down for me and I have more time to think. And think some more. I find it easy to relate to songs; they seem to save my life. Or at least save me from going crazy for another day. Anything that makes me happy or gives me a sense of serenity or calm is something I aim for these days.

I'm learning to count on myself for more things, and it scares me. Not because I feel weak, or incompetent, but because in reality we are all we really have. I like spending time with myself, doing whatever I see fit. I do like company as well. Some people's more than others. It seems like even though I don't even have expectations a lot of the time, somehow I'm still let down. Is that possible? I really don't feel that I do have expectations. I just think there's a certain level that friendships or relationships reach where things should be a given, and go without saying.

I guess everyone's on a selfish kick lately. Good for them. Just don't be surprised when you need me and I'm too busy, or I just don't care. It's easier to be a bitch and be selfish. I'm gonna try it out for awhile and see how it works. Although it's against my nature (ok, the bitch part isn't really...but I'm talking about a REAL bitch!) to be so closed off and unthoughtful, it may be easier. I prefer the term guarded. That doesn't have such a negative connotation to it.

The first step to doing this is what Kacie and I like to refer to as "anti-cell phone days." Those are the days where we ignore everyone but eachother, and family (for the most part). It's pretty refreshing actually. lol. We both get to the point where everyone ends up ticking us off, and it's just easier to go on hiatus. She gets more shit for it when she goes MIA though. People asking her if theyre still friends if they havent talked in two hours. That would be enough to drive me crazy right there. God bless her!

I guess that's it for now.






you're right, we're not on the same page.

Shitstorm

I couldn't really think of a title. But I like that term. I've got some things going on that are gonna be a bear to deal with coming up here shortly. Don't worry, it's nothing serious, just something I prefer not to publish. I'm okay, and it'll be okay.

My frustration with many things continues to grow. My head was clouded for awhile, and things are different now. But instead of the clouds clearing, it's beginning to storm. Things I've been burying and putting off dealing with are coming out; there's only so much time can go by before everything rises to the surface. My anger surfaced on Sunday, in the form of a well intentioned phone call. Just can't hold it in anymore, I guess. Promises were made, will promises be kept? I'm not holding my breath. That part of my faith has been tested, and worn down. It's sad when a girl, or anyone for that matter, questions whether or not she can trust the people in her life that are supposed to love her.

A lot of people that were supposed to love me have tested me, and I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by other peoples actions moreso than my own..even though I do have legitimate reason for exhaustion lately. I've been working on myself, inside and out. Hopefully it will start to pay off.
Small changes that I've both consciously and unconsciously made show themselves at times, and I get a sudden wave of pride. I'm glad that I'm getting to a point where I actually think things through, and weigh my options. I've never considered m yself impulsive, but upon a closer inspection, I do have impulsive tendencies.

However, everything depends on the situation. I alter my reactions, responses, and views based on circumstances. I don't know if that makes me open minded, or gullible. I'm not easily swayed into believing everything people tell me. I'm a skeptic. I'm a critic. I'm an analyst. I'm a realist. I used to consider myself a pessimist, until I got back here. I became the optimist for once. I think now it's finally starting to balance out, where I don't even feel the need to label, or strain to change what comes naturally to me. I'm figuring out who I am at this point in my life, and I think that's what Im supposed to do anyway. I guess I can't be on that wrong of a path if people around me seem more lost than I am.

I just can't wait til July 1st. I know I won't shake this irritated feeling until then. 8 days. Maybe some of the clouds will start to clear in July. July should be a good month. I got some things coming up I'm looking forward to. Except I can't believe how close I'm getting to being 24. Yikes!








somebodys heart is broken
it becomes your favorite song

DMB - Time Bomb.

I'm a ticking time bomb
Waiting to blow my top
No one would ever know
Not until I blew up

No one would believe it
He was such a normal guy
Shake their heads and wonder why

Martians fell from the sky
What would that do to god?
Would we put the weapons down
Or aim it up at the sky

No one would believe it
Except the fucking nut jobs
They laugh and cry we told you so

Baby when I get home
I want to believe in Jesus
Hammer in the final nail
Help me pick up the pieces

When everything starts to fall
So fast that it terrifies you
When will you hit the wall?
Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it
Except for all the people
Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home
I want to pick up the pieces
Hammer in the final nail
And lean me up against jesus

Baby when I get home
I want to pick up the pieces
Hammer in the final nail
I want to believe in jesus

What a strange day...

Today started out like any other day..me peeling myself out of bed, satisfied with my weekend. Traffic on 690 is down to one lane by West St., so it takes at least ten minutes longer than usual to get to work. That doesn't bother me so much.

What bothers me is the foot long scrape that I discovered on the passenger side of my car. Probably from the drunk muscle-shirt wearing slob that was drinking and swaying around in the parking lot by his storage unit all day yesterday. That doesn't make me too happy, because those are the things that people shouldn't get away with...but I'll do my best to paint it.

That bad mood passed, and was followed by a certain bliss. I have not yet become bored with this routine, I kind of welcome it. After all, I have so much to look forward to in these coming summer months. Dave concerts, reunions, beautiful weather, and great friends.

I got a phone call today. That ringtone twists my stomach into knots, in a good way. "I've been thinking about ya" flooded my heart. Sometimes all you need to hear is a certain voice, and everything seems to make sense. Everybody who regularly reads this and who knows me knows whos voice that is. There's been more and more talk about taking it to the next level, and it doesn't seem like a joke anymore, or a taunt. I could be wrong, but it just feels different. We shall see. A couple months and being together could be possible. That's a good amount of time to get myself together. I better hurry. I have a newfound motivation - one that comes from within AND outside sources.

I think that I am good on my own. But I think with the right person, I would feel infintitely better. I don't need it. I want it. I think that's healthy to have desires in life. Anybody who claims that they're satisfied is usually kidding themselves, and others. Those who seem satisfied to the outside also may be the most unsatisfied on the inside. Learned that lesson the hard way. There's nothing like love; the fact that it can feel so damn good and hurt so damn bad simultaneously and that nobody can seem to put the feeling into words or an explanation.


Anyways, just felt like exploding so I had to have some sort of outlet. Today starts a new life for me. It's official. Stay tuned.







you have my heart. dont break mine and i wont break yours.

Wow, over a month...

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've written. This blog is important to me, despite my neglect. It's propelled me forward in times of desperation, loneliness, and hopelessness. It's been my outlet, my notepad, a way for my craziness to form into something a little more understandable than the massive jumble that is my thoughts. So I thank you, blog, for being there, and I promise to start writing more.

Anyways, where to start? I haven't written since the end of April, so I'll start from there. I went to Binghamton the weekend of May 1st. It was a shitshow, but a welcomed and much-needed one. It's always good to see Danielle, I miss her TERRIBLY. We always tend to pick up right where we left off, which is in the middle of a good time. Although both of us vowed we would never enter that vile city again, we found ourselves revelling in the fact that we made it out alive, and actually could go back to reminisce and enjoy ourselves. The usual cast of characters was there except Zak. He had been there the weekend before, and I missed him. It wasn't the same without him for sure. I need to make it a point to see him this summer. Shitbag, Jay, Kyle, Kiersten..they were all there, and it was great to see every one of them. It reminds me that there are people in this world who really are genuine, and care about you, whether or not they talk to you regularly. That's a good feeling. That weekend was crazy. Eve 6 was great, but the idiot crowd surfing pig-resembling frat boys were not. Oh well. Just a few words to sum it up: eating, drinking, laughing, crying, loving, hugging, texting, calling, drinking, losing, finding, coming, going, driving, dancing, singing, jamming, drinking <3

That week, my brother and Rebecca visited. I had two full time guests at casa de heath. Abra and Chuck. I found it really comforting to have company and animal spirits in the house with me again. I would open my door and they would be draped across furniture, squinting at me and uttering words (Abra) and normal cat noises (Chuck). I gave them their tuna every night, and woke up with Chuck biting my toes a couple times. I miss Abra a lot though, I really wanted to steal Mygatt. That week was incredibly fun, the times I hung out with them. I miss my brother's friends...my extra brothers, in fact. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Ricky in a couple weeks and I couldn't be more excited. Feels like home, feels like family; its always nice to connect with people who have known you, and know where you come from and recognize your soul in a crowd.

Next weekend, Dad came with the rest of my stuff. Man, was that a relief and a half. It was amazing to see him of course, but the fact that I got a bed AND a dad in the same weekend?! I almost couldn't handle it! I really appreciated it more than he knows, and I know he had a good time seeing his friends (aka my boss) and doing some male bonding. Hunting and grunting and golfing, I think. Although it was a short trip, it was time well spent. Strange how I go from seeing my entire family every day to seeing each of my parents twice a year separately, and my brother about the same amount. It makes me feel independent, but it's also a little saddening. I like my family, and never really felt the need to run away like some kids do. Well, except when I was 8 and would pack a bag and walk to the end of the driveway..that kind of "running away" happened frequently...I wanted to be near my family, but yet my desire has not kept me close. I needed to do this for myself, and for the first time in a long time, following my instincts led me to a path where things made sense again. For this reason, I have a newfound faith in myself and an increase in self-reliance and trust in my decision-making abilities. For large scale things, anyway...I still make some decisions that are obviously bad for me. But I'm learning. You never stop learning. Isn't that what life is all about?

Other than that, I've just been puttering along, trying to budget my time and money, and being successful at only one of those. I'm trying though, and I'm growing up. Hell, I'll be 24 in a few months...gross. This birthday is one to look forward to, though. I'll be near my friends, and it falls on a Saturday. Let celebrating my life, and me, and wherever I may go, begin. It's about time. I'm still happy.





come.home.i.miss/love.you.

Ducks

For some reason, I have been neglecting my blog lately. I HAVE BEEN SOOO BUSY! Wow, I haven't said that and actually had it be legitimate in awhile. I got a job working at Hoag Drywall; I basically sit here all day and answer the phone. I'm working on my version of Steve's "HOWELL" (how he answers HIS phone), but I can't get anywhere close to that greeting. This job has its perks, but it also has its drawbacks. First drawback, DIAL UP. COME ON...its 2009. Dialup went out of style circa 1995. When I am sitting at my desk (blogging, sleeping, painting my nails, reading Gramma's pornographic romance novels...) I have to unplug the fax machine and the second phone line, and switch the jacks. Therefore, I can't get faxes when I'm online. Or calls on Line 2. Perks: freedom, quiet, responsibility, autonomy, productivity, money. I'm alone in the office for the majority of the day.

After work, I seem to have plans every single day. It's rare that I am alone, or just hanging out. If I am alone, I tend to drift off to sleep within a matter of minutes. Last night I sat behind my apartment building and fed the ducks hotdog rolls. These ducks have become my companions...I talk to them, feed them, name them, and love them...all the while trying not to hit them with my car or step on them when I sleepily leave my apartment every morning. I have some pictures to post of my new friends, but I can't yet, because of dial-up. In steve's words, "it'll take a fricken DAY" to load them. I am loving my new social life. And no, I wasn't referring only to the ducks. It's nice to catch up with old friends, new friends, friends in general. It feels good to be home.

It's a beautiful day today, and it's Friday, and I'm happy. I'm hungry and nobody will bring me food, so that bums me out, but other than that I'm.very.content.with.my.life. FEELS GOOD TO SAY THAT AND MEAN IT. Thank you to everyone who got me through one of the roughest patches in my life. I see a clearing up ahead, and it's gonna be amazing. In fact, it already is.

I better sign off AOL before I miss an important fax. From the restaurant down the road...hey if they didn't have a minimum order amount, I'd probably have them bring me food. Lol.



"*I think I like today* I think it's good* Its something I can't get my head around*"

Currently writing from Amber's laptop..

So it's been a couple weeks since my last entry, and a lot has happened.  I got an apartment in Manlius, and it's gonna be rough for a few months, but I'm down for it because I finally have my own place. Now to get a job. I might need some help for a little while longer, but Im starting a tab with my mom. I WILL pay her back, whatever I owe. I just need a little time to get on my feet. One step at a time though, and the first step is taken. I've been hanging out with Amber a lot, and it's been fun because we haven't been in the same area long enough to hang out this much, and I have a feeling this summer is gonna be GREAT. 

I JUST NEED A JOB!!!! 

Hopefully, working for Steve Hoag will work out, I called yesterday. I just need a chance. I'll still look for other jobs. Im thinking about being a secret shopper. LOL. Stay tuned.

im a gypsy

How do you know....

Something on facebook just prompted an entire blog entry. I know it's been awhile, and there's a couple slight updates as well.

This week, Kacie and Brooke are in Florida on vacation. To keep myself busy, I'm painting her kitchen cabinets and her living room. Im also catching up on laundry, mailing out more applications to jobs, and organizing/cleaning. I miss them.

I got a part time job at the Brien Center, and I find out the middle of this week more details, and when I start, etc. I made Christina (the woman I've been dealing with) aware that I was still continuing to look for work, since now unexpectedly I have to get my own apartment and am in dire need of full time hours, and benefits. She understands. I'll take whatever I can get at this point though..it's getting my foot in the door.

So I was just on facebook, and I saw that my dad changed his profile picture. And in one of the boxes it said "How do you know Randy Cornish?" My automatic answer lately is that "I feel like I don't." As terrible as that is...he's my father for crying out loud, my daddy...my hero...well he used to be. I understand growing up and growing apart and moving away is natural. But I would have preferred to be near my family...I like them. I always thought my distance from all of them would be something that I would choose, not something that would be chosen for me. I'm not just talking about physical distance, I'm including emotional distance as well. I get a text here and there confirming that, in fact, he is my dad. I don't forget, but I don't necessarily remember as much as I used to.

I've been through a lot in the past couple weeks. For all of you that know, thanks for your support and hopefully that was my rock bottom. I don't see how it could get much worse. Knock on wood, because every time I've said that, it seems that I get another wonderful surprise the next day or week. (that was sarcasm). I'm tired of bad news. The sun coming out lately has improved my mood, though..fresh air always helps.

Ive just decided that painting the cabinets is a two day job. I did the lower ones today, and I'll do the upper ones tomorrow. I'm off to fold a ridiculous amount of laundry...


It's made up of lonely moments
There was always a moment there when I knew.
You always gave installments,
Always knew you concentrated and grew.

And I believe in reinvention,
Do you believe that life is holding the clue?
Take away all the lonely moments,
Give me full communication with you.

OAR - shattered

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered

I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around

I gotta turn this thing around

Couple of things...

Just another quick update. Followed by lyrics I can't get out of my head. I went on my second interview for the Brien Center on Monday. There's 5 candidates for 2 full time positions. So cross your fingers. I'll find out March 6th. I also went on an interview for Hillcrest Educational Centers yesterday. I got a really good vibe there - the recruiter who interviewed me was very nice and personable..slightly frazzled but it put me at ease. So she took some info from me, and is passing me onto the woman who actually hires at the residential center that I'd be working at. Of course, she's not in the office this week, so I should be hearing something Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully the day position is still open, it would be ideal. Full time, with medical and dental benefits. So again, cross your fingers for Hillcrest. If I don't get either of these jobs, I'm gonna be pissed. But there's always BFAIR. Stay tuned.




rachel yamagata - the reason why


I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies

But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, you and I know the reason why.

Just a short note.

My interview went well. I have a second interview on Monday, to go and meet people I'd be working with and to see the residence of the kids I'd be helping. Things have been kinda confusing this past week.

Somebody I think about way too often, yet have not seen in four years, or heard from in two, has come back into my life. Turns out I am not the only one who thinks "you're the one that got away." This seems like a good thing for me; it lifts my spirits.

We've asked Kacie's gramp if we can just rent the entire house from him, meaning I'd have my own apartment upstairs. I hope he says yes, because it would be IDEAL. Cross your fingers!

I miss Velton. Come back already!!!!

I was frustrated about two hours ago, but I've since calmed down. Good music and doing laundry always relaxes me :-).

Kacie, Alicia, and I took Brooke swimming yesterday. (YES, INDOORS!) I think it tired all of us out..even me and I didn't go in the water!

Nip/tuck is on tonight - its the highlight of my week!!!


Not much else to report, just felt like writin real quick.

Love ya lata.



She is a wicked high*Yes she is*She goes down so hard*She might never come back*She’s gonna break free*But she loves to laugh*But I was thinking*I’d love to get some of that*

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

Well, for those who have not heard, I have a job interview at the Brien Center on Friday working with children and adolescents. www.briencenter.org if you're interested.

Just got back from a weekend away. Kacie's floating, that's for sure. I had a really good time too :-). It was nice for her to get away, I know that...I have not seen her sit still for more than five minutes so far. But this weekend she had noooo problem. It was refreshing to see her actually relax and enjoy her life, and enjoy being 23.

We ate, we drank, we danced, we laughed...mostly laughed. See the facebook album entitled. "Listen listen listen listen!!!" under Kacie Mills. There's a picture of me in there where I'm smiling so big, and it's a real smile. I really look happy. I like the picture.

I'm still pretty tired, so I think I'll go take a nap, while I'm still unemployed and can do that kinda thing.

go to youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g


this video has a certain meaning...I KNOW I KNOW. it's beyonce. I only put it on because Kacie has mastered this dance pretty much up until the minute mark...and it cracks me up.

Angels and Airwaves - Lifeline

With an urgent, careful stare, And some panic in those eyes
If I see you lying there, Hoping this was the last time
If you hear a distant sound, And some footsteps by your side.

When the world comes crashing down.
I will find you if you hide.

If you wish it, wish it now.
If you wish it, wish it loud.
If you want it, say it now.
If you want it, say it loud.
We all make mistakes.
Here's your lifeline.
If you want it, I want to.

We all make mistakes.
Here's your lifeline.
If you want it, I want to

There's a field near the dream, I watched it grow with whitest light.
I watched us all reach out and lean. For the strength to touch the sky.
If you hear a distant sound, and some footsteps by your side.

If you feel like comin' round, I will take you for a ride.

If you wish it, wish it now.
If you wish it, wish it loud.
If you want it, say it now.
If you want it, say it loud.
We all make mistakes, Here's your lifeline.
If you want it, I want to.
We all make mistakes.
Here's your lifeline.
If you want to I want to....

Bombin around

Phew. The past three weeks have been insane. It's been strange, but the further north I've gone, the more I felt like I was shedding a skin of sadness and helplessness. You'd think the colder it got, the more numb I'd become, but it was quite the opposite. Since I've left, I've laughed...I've cried...but I've laughed more. So here's a description of my journey, and bear with me, because I've done more in the past three weeks than I did in the past six months.
I started out on my journey January 14th. After saying goodbye to my dad (who came over in the morning to see me off) and goodbye to my mom, I layed in my room for awhile, just soaking it in. Of course the dog was laying with me. I told her I was sorry, and that she'd be okay, but I had to go. I think she understood, although she was sad because she wouldn't have a buddy during the day anymore. I headed towards Virginia Beach. I was shocked at how much room I actually still had left in my car after packing up my "necessities." It was liberating. Around 5 pm, I walked into Kirsten's house to find my second family inhabiting Kirsten's room. I curled up between Meghan and Rea, and they both passed out (big night of partying the night before, I guess...lol) Kirsten and I caught up for a bit; it's always nice and refreshing to talk to her. We really have good heads on our shoulders, and she's an amazing person. Later that night, her roommates did their version of "Iron Chef" and served the four of us each a 3 course meal. The winner was Rich, hands down...that "shit on a chip" for the first course was what made a comeback for Kyle impossible. We played Wii bowling, and I told Meghan her and I should get drunk. Despite having to catch a plane at 5:30 the next morning, she was game. That's what I love about Meg. Shots were taken, both in liquid form and verbal form. It's always fun to be around people who are your family. I beat the crap out of Meg (she won't admit defeat) and we passed out around 2am. It was pretty awesome...I miss all of them. Now that I'm in Mass, I'd like to go with Kirt to see Meg at her school in Vermont.
Next stop, Long Island. This was the neck of the trip I was most worried about. Driving through or around New York City always kinda intimidates me. I had mom's trusty Garmin though, so I wasn't too worried. The drive was smooth. Delaware and Jersey are about as boring as Pennsylvania to drive through. I planned on getting there around 10-10:30, because Danielle works til 9 or so. I was so excited to see her, it was indescribable. I hadn't seen her in 8 months, and after being attached at the hip for two years, I had always felt like a piece of me had been missing. We don't talk nearly as much as I'd like to, but I understand she's busy. Around 9:30 pm, I noticed my Garmin was taking me through the Lincoln Tunnel. Yup, there I was, spit out into Times Square. Drove right by the Empire State building. I did manage to get a picture. Thank god, despite my South Carolina license plates, I still DRIVE like a New Yorker! I always will. After I made it out alive, I finally took a breath, and continued on my journey. I pulled up in front of Jam's house, and she ran out and gave me the biggest hug. It felt soooo awesome. I literally couldn't believe I was there. All of it was so surreal. I missed her soooooooooooooo much. Of course, five minutes later, we're drinking and talking and laughing and we didn't skip a beat. Originally, I had only planned to stay with Danielle for one night. But some idiot's plans fell through and I ended up staying until Sunday. Thank god I did. Part of me didn't want to leave. Somethin about Danielle and I, we'll always be like soulmates. She's just the tall and skinny version of me, I think. I miss her and can't wait until I can go down there again, or she can come visit me. It's only 4 hours now.
Next stop, Mass!!! I got to Kacie's around 5 or 5:30. I was so excited to see her too, and Brooke. It kinda felt strange but good, because I did feel like I had gotten "home." It was awesome to reconnect and just relax with Kacie where I didn't have to leave in a couple days. That's the thing about friends you make in college, you get used to living with them too, so when they're not there to just 'bomb around' with or hang out with or anything, its kinda strange. Since I've been here, it's been great. I did go to NY for Cindy's birthday the weekend of the 24th. It was pretty hard for me to handle everyone knowing I was there and trying to meet up. She got mad at me, and we haven't talked since. I guess to her there's always been things I've done or haven't done that made me a bad friend. But it's funny because not once did she ask me in 6 months how I was doing with my parent's divorce or my breakup with Jim....oh well. The past is the past. I saw Trav, too. Always interesting. He owes me fifty bucks. Nothing else new there, either...him owing me something. I also brought him to the airport on Sunday. It's kind of a ritual with us at this point. He gives me all of his 'non-plane worthy' stuff to take with me, and makes me park in the parking garage. I always miss him, but when I see him again...I think to myself "what the hell was I thinking?!" But that's how its been since we were 13, and that's how it will always be. It's a mystery, and I stopped trying to figure it out a longggg time ago. After that adventure, I squeezed in a lunch with somebody who's kinda cool. I'm seeing him again this weekend, too :-).
Upon returning to Mass, I got my resume updated (THANKS MOM!) and earlier this week sent out cover letters, resumes, and applications to three different organizations. BFAIR, the Brien Center, and Hillcrest Educational Centers. Hopefully I'll get some feedback here within the next week. Like I told my brother tonight on the phone, I'm gonna call until they say "somebody just give that bitch a job so she stops calling!" Kacie and I are trying to figure out where to move to, what to do about the apartment situation (I don't currently have a bedroom lol), and just what to do with life in general. I think it's amazing that we're together right now, because she gives me so much support and I really don't know what I would have done without her. I appreciate her and her generosity and patience more than she knows. Plus, I love being here and being able to watch Brookie during the day and help save Kacie some money for daycare. I'm glad I get to see her grow and learn.







isn't she cute? I love when she gets right in my face and laughs..like she was doing here! I play the housewife role right now, but I do actually love it. Kacie's an amazing mother and I hope I have my shit together like she does someday. People like her shouldn't get dealt shit that she gets dealt. Despite everyone's negative reactions and comments about me moving in with her, she doesn't care and doesn't let it weigh her down or change her mind. She's stronger than she knows and I admire her. I have faith that both of us will figure it all out and make it work.

As far as what happens now, I don't know. And it feels pretty damn good. Stay tuned... i know this was wayyyy overdue. And everyone please stop bitching at me about not coming to Central NY. I will see everyone, I promise. It just won't be this weekend, or probably the next. But it'll happen. This is me time, and I'm gonna do what I want. I haven't said that or meant that in awhile. I feel like a totally different person. I can only look towards the future in a positive light.

'So I will live as I see fit
and there will be those
who will not like it' -#27, DMB

Shine on you crazy diamond

Those who need to know, already know. Big changes are happening. I'm excited, but it's bittersweet. Leaving what I thought would be the ultimate exhale. Instead, I feel like I'm still struggling to reach the surface; gasping every single day for that bubble of hope to keep me alive - keep me breathing and striving. I can't find that bubble, and everyday I metaphorically seem to drown. Whether it be in my own self-pity, self-doubt, or lack of self-esteem, nothing seems to keep me afloat. I've gotten used to this isolation as normal, but I am also aware that that's not me. I can't feel like this, because I do desire success and happiness. Some people are content in their misery, but I've gotten to the point where I'm tired of wasting my life. We do only get one, afterall. Reincarnation is a whole other topic. (yes, i do believe i've lived past lives, but im here now so I'm going to try and make the best of it). I feel like im about 65 years old, with a whole life behind me, sometimes carrying everyone else's weight around with my own. When I think about all the amazing things I actually do have in my future(marriage, children, owning a home, settling, grandchildren, career....etc...) I get so excited. I really am looking forward to realizing and maximizing my potential. I am aware that sounds like resume-speak, but I can't think of how else to word it.

Today was a tough day.

For the first time in my life, as I explained to Monica today, I'm not going somewhere that was pre-picked for me, it's not somewhere that I aspired to go. It's not somewhere that I knew I had to be there on a set date. When I said all that, I was referring to college. I signed up, filled out the paperwork, and was there on the day I was supposed to be. It was that "simple". Knowing I'm going into something that isn't definite; isn't planned down to the day, is pretty exciting. Certain things like that I really do cherish, because they do remind me that I'm alive. Some of my best friendships (Danielle, Kacie...) happened by chance. Things that were so "risky"..things could either go wonderfully or really badly....that seemed so uncertain, worked out in my favor. I wouldnt trade ANY of the friends I have now, for the world.

I told my mom tonight, that I can't remember the last time I was surprised by somebody in a GOOD way. Its kind of discouraging to think that so many people can go through life consistently discouraging people and letting people down. But hey, that's their problem. I've decided that I'll never change myself and my giving and naturally caring personality in order to accomodate some asshole. If it happens, so be it, but I'm never going to go out of my way again to make sure somebody else is happy before I am. It's all about me. I just paused to re-read that statement because I haven't been able to say that in a long time.

I tried to have a positive outlook in moving down here. I really did. But it really didn't take me long to figure out that I couldnt sit here and deteriorate. I want to feel again that I'm important and I do make a difference, and that I'm worth something. It's not that my parents didn't welcome me with open arms, and express their thankfulness that I was here when I was. I wanted this to work, I genuinely did. But I feel like I'm growing up in the sense that I am following my innermost senses and feelings. It's pretty refreshing to regain some confidence in my feelings, my instincts. I am, afterall, all i REALLY have in this world. I've been abandoned and left (metaphorically and physically) enough times to realize my happiness really does have to be rooted in my core.

In coming here, I may seem like a failure to many, but I don't see it that way. I feel that I've learned more about myself and my actual strength and capabilities in these past 5 months than I ever have. Will I miss my parents? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will I miss feeling hopeless because of the circumstances? No. It's that whole detachment phase. Yes, I may be 23 and it may seem kinda late. But I have a huge heart. I can't help it. But I also know that they will always be my parents, and be "there" for me, no matter where "there" is. This is gonna be good for me, probably better than I know. I'm keeping my faith alive, and I'm never going to lose my spirit. I just need to reconnect with more people that understand my spirit, and see me for me. I can't wait.


I know I'm a good person, and that I will be ok. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of it. To all those that help me to remember, and reassure me, u know who you are. I LOVE YOU, and THANK YOU.