Wow It's been a few weeks.

I knew I had been neglecting my blog, but for good reason. I've got some secrets I'm not ready to publish, for fear of public backlash...lol. Anyways, things are at a standstill, as usual. Since the state is cutting back on hiring, or freezing hiring, or whatever it is...Looks like ill be spending the holiday season and however far beyond working retail. I thought I was past this...ugh.

On a more positive, yet more expensive note, I was checking out grad schools in SC. Clemson's school counseling program looks pretty promising. Letters of recommendation might be the most difficult part of the application....I didn't spend my college years bonding with my professors. Yes, its more loans, but I have been checking out things in my field, and It's looking like a master's will take me where I want to go. I do feel like I could make a big difference already, but unfortunately I don't have the appropriate piece of paper. Speaking of that piece of paper...Binghamton sent out a batch of degrees that were missing the word "York" on the end of New York. You'd think with all those high and mighty signatures, and all those monkeys in offices who have jobs that IIII could be doing, somebody would have caught that half of the state's name was missing...guess not. They blamed it on their new "printing program"...sure....Although it makes me feel smarter than the average bear, or "monkey," it does kind of anger me that more jobs aren't available. I understand the whole country is in crisis, but geez. I'm better than Target. I went back to college so that I could get OUT of target. So yeah, once I do get a job, I'd liek to go back to grad school. I never thought it'd be for me, I was convinced that I'd stop at a bachelors..but these days having a bachelors seems obselete. Sad....

My brother and I are the first kids in our family to have degrees, I think. I guess there's Jason and Sarah that went to college but honestly I don't give a shit about cousins I never knew and wouldn't know if i "hit them with my car."


He moved out again. Take me with you.


Autumn is impresing me here...not as colorful as I'm used to, but beautiful nonetheless. Im welcoming hoodie weather with open arms. For some reason though, autumn brings back floods and floods of memories, kind of like an entire season of de ja vus. but for stuff that really did happen. Fall has always been my favorite. Kind of chilly, but when that sun peeks out, its the perfect feeling of warmth. Colorful in a natural and subtle way, but beautiful nonetheless...fall is ME in a season.

Today is a great day to take the vette out....too bad I can't drive standard lol.


signing off for now, gonna go run with Allie....








Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.

Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC), Eudemian Ethics

its harder now that its over

They slapped 'em on you
Where that bracelet used to be
You know the one I bought you in phoenix
Where they sell old jewelry
I was trying to make you angry
But I didn't feed you to the cops
When I threw that drink in that guy's face
It was just to piss you off'
Cause honey it's over

It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history
I heard your wrists got bruised
Must've felt just like old times
I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you

Yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars and lost forever now
'Cause it's over now
It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history
Free with a history
You're freeFree with a history

I'm sorry

stay or leave

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I,
with muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us..
.It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoons, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could
That I should'a done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?
So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoons, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this?
Besides the day you left me
What day is this?

Look for the girl with the broken smile...

I'm feeling more defeated and withdrawn than I can remember feeling in a long time, if ever. I think this is the most bleak my life has seemed thus far. I hate to keep being negative, but I'm surrounded by negativity...whether it be through my atmosphere or the negativity that already lies with in me just waiting to seep down into my thoughts. Nothing good has happened since I've been here. I was so happy to get out of New York..I don't understand. I knew it wouldnt be an instant fix for all my issues, but this is just ridiculous. Where is this karmic pollution coming from? I'm totally happy to be alone lately, despite the built-in companionship I have in my house. I'd usually say in my home, but it doesn't serve that purpose for me anywhere. My home exists in a past that I find myself constantly revisiting. I think this previous Friday was one of the worst days I've had. I had a completely disheartening phone call, it was realistic I guess, but nonetheless depressing. How can somebody talk to somebody that cares about them like that and be okay with it? Can't the universe help me out a little here? I'm trying... sometimes I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to see if I'm actually still alive and if anybody hears me. Tired of it, and all I wonder is...what the FUCK.


p.s. so much for the blip...more like a flatline.

no matter what i do

i came here with an open mind. i feel like in the cartoons when that grey cloud follows the person arond wherever they go. it must be me, because im miserable no matter what. i cant seem to find happiness in any form. well, almost any form. i want to see a therapist. but that requires money and/or health insurance. neither of which i have. i keep everything inside because i don't know where to put it. i started running this week..well running and walking when i felt like i might die. but it feels good. i have a lot of pent up....something.....anger, frustration, confusion, just a general unsettled feeling. i cant shake it and im such a downer. my friends are loving life for hte most part, and i should be too. what a boring existence. why am i chronically pissed off? i gotta figure this out either way...



i really feel like running away. or driving in this case. and i know exactly where i'd go.

When I grow up..

I've been searching for and applying to jobs. I just want one that i can do. We'll see, Im not gonna stop trying. I miss laughing really hard with people i really love. I havent laughed uncontrollably since a night in Charlotte. Amber knows what I'm talking about, that dreaded picture...the hideous zoom in...the surprise and shock of it all. I don't know what it was, probably the mixture of the situation, the location, and the fact that it was my birthday....but I could not stop laughing. I miss that, I have discovered that I really need that in order to function. Come back to me, uncontrollable laughter...i miss you.


The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

e e cummings (1894 - 1962)