Noir

I've been having trouble sleeping at night. Apparently so has my ex boyfriend. Strange.

I'm tired of it, no pun intended. My bed is comfortable, and the room is dark, and it's quiet minus the ducks, so what's the deal? Oh, that's right, my mind is reeling 24/7.

I got some news last Tuesday, left work early, and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of a relationship that can never be repaired. It's like putting a piece of bubble gum over a leak. It might hold for awhile, but the water will never stop coming through. I'm tired of the roller coaster, I'm tired of the progression of things that should have never started. Quite the snowball effect, if I've ever seen it. The man I knew growing up does not exist anymore, a stranger exists instead. It does break my heart, and there will always be a piece missing. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just lessens the searing pain of it all. Yes, life goes on, but it will never stay the same.

On a more positive note, I found out today that I can see DMB on Tuesday. I have been hoping and praying for this miracle, and it has arrived! YESSSSSSS. Dave Matthews concerts save my soul. <3 dave.

Trav comes home on Sunday. This should be interesting. He's home til next year, so we shall see. I'm good with where we are, wherever that is. Patience is a virtue.

Work's good, friends are good, life is good.

My jam

So, I meant to write sooner, but things have been hectic. My to-do list keeps growing and growing, and my bank account keeps shrinking, and shrinking.

So anyways, 2 weekends ago I went to Long Island to see Danielle. First of all, I get so excited to see her that I shake. So does she, because when I got there she was frantic...lol. The drive down was nice, besides the rainstorms for the first half. Luckily, on the bridges, where it matters..it was clear. Whenever I see her I feel whole again. We spent two long years attached at the hip, and I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Like the saying goes, "a brunette and a blonde with an inseparable bond."

We have such a special friendship, and distance sucks, but it does not defeat. We did our usual jammin things, like drink on the beach and do dirty madlibs using our own language of words we've picked up along the way. People still ask me what a mannejin is. To tell you the truth, I don't really know, I just know when I'm in the presence of one. And we both discovered you can add "ajin or ejin" to just about anything. Say a van cuts you off on the highway and then goes about 30 miles per hour. You yell "VANNEJIN!" Or when a boy is being a jerk, you say his name (ex. Zak) and add "ejin". You get the picture. We really do live in our own world, but it's nice to escape there sometimes. We had a great day at the beach...despite an entire extended Asian family setting up shop right in front of us and began to silently rub lotion all over eachother. We moved shortly after. I got too burnt, Danielle just got more tan.

That night, we went to a local bar that had a mechanical bull and PBR's for 2 bucks each. This was my kinda place, and Danielle took notice of how happy I was. No, we didn't ride the bull, but watching the old people do it was pretty funny. I knew all the country songs, and Danielle just shook her head...lol. The next morning, same as the previous morning, I awoke to Danielle jumping on me. Except this time, she bounced too high, hit her head on the wall, and my first word of the day was "FAIL" and we both immediately laughed. The rest of the day was spent lounging by the pool and drinking beer out of a huge foam fist/cupholder.

My drive back sucked ASS. It took me 3 hours to get off that damn island. I don't know how those people do it. I didn't get home til midnight, and immediately lapsed into a coma.

It was a great weekend though, and I love and miss her so much. Sometimes a couple of days is all you need to remind yourself of a bond. Although I could probably live with her for the rest of my life and never fight with her OR get bored. She's coming up for my birthday, and I CANT WAIT.

cheesy, but appropriate.

Ive been around for you
Ive been up and down for you
But I just cant get any relief
Ive swallowed my pride for you
Ive lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin your love away, cause you never give it
Peeling the years away, and we cant relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

You said wed work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but Im tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that Ive had enough
Ive had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh, Ive got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And thats just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly
Oh, dont you know its...
Its time for me to fly

I can't believe July is half over and this is the first entry I've written! I think it has to do with the recent hiatus of my stolen wireless internet connection at my house. I finally broke down and set up an appointment with Time Warner...and low and behold, a day later, my connection's back. Go figure!

Just more money spent every month. I'm struggling, but keeping positive. I don't know how people live their lives in thousands of dollars of debt and just keep spending on frivolous things. I cringe when I have to buy toilet paper.


As of late, I haven't really been up to much. Nothing exciting, really. Just random weekend excursions when everyone isn't busy. This weekend, however, should be amazing. I'm headed down to Long Island to see Danielle, and maybe Shitbag...if he's not "busy." What a Shitbag. Every time I see Danielle I can count on plenty of laughs, and new additions to our ever expanding dictionary of our own language. It really is like we're in our own world, but sometimes it's nice to go to one where things might not suck as bad. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but hey, thats what my ipod is for. It won't be that bad, barring traffic or unforseen incidents.

Next weekend I have a date with Meghan. I can't wait for that either.

Some scary shit happened last night. I was out at Deruyter Lake visiting Amber, and having a bbq. I noticed while I was sitting in the side yard that there was a buzzing coming from the power lines that ran through a tree. I said to Ambs "uuuh...that doesn't sound good" to which she replied "it's been doing that for years"...still...unsafe. lol. Low and behold, I was talking to my mom in my car when the power lines started sparking, igniting a fire in the tree and then snapping in half, lighting the ground on fire where they landed. One line landed across the hood of the car that was parked behind me. It was pretty nervewracking. We called 911, and they came out. I left around 11:30 at night and all the power was still off, and the guys were still working on it. It was definitely some "final destination shit" as somebody put it to me in a text last night...I hope everything ends up fixed, and safe, and worked out by today.

I'm trying to think of anything else that's happened to me that's ironic, funny, strange, etc...


Oh yeah, on the fourth of july i drank absinthe. me and kim are crazy. it was disgusting. never again.

My favorite song this week is Nosebleed, by Illinois.

I've been getting nightly phone calls, which include propositions, promises, and confessions. I also get follow-ups the next morning, asking me what was said. So I've just started recording them so he can listen to them himself later. lol. "It's all bullshit, anyways" is what I hear, but doesn't the truth come out when you're drunk? He'll be home in a few weeks. This should be very interesting. I'm still not holding my breath, though. If I was, I'd be dead by now.