Grey Street

Oh, look at how she listens.
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through the memories
Staring out onto Grey St.

She thinks, "hey"
"how did i come to this?"
"i dreamed myself a million times around the world"
"but I can't get out of this place"

There's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart
but all the colors mix together - to grey
and it breaks her heart.

How she wishes it was different
she prays to god most every night
though she knows well he doesnt listen
there's still a hope in her, he might

She says "I pray"
"oh but my prayers they all fall on deaf ears
"am i supposed to take it on myself"
"to get out of this place?"

Oh there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart

she feels like kicking out the windows
and setting fire to this life
she would change everything about her
using colors, bold and bright
and all the colors mix together, to grey
and it breaks her heart....
it breaks her heart.
to grey.

Just a small update..

Actually, there's not much to report. This online class is taking over my days, and I find it ever hard to concentrate when there's dogs coming in and out of the room, parents asking questions, kids screaming at the neighboring school, people walking up and down the streets - for what I've gathered by hearing their conversations, is the kindergarten graduation. This class required that I attend four classical concerts this summer. I don't think that's going to work. Good thing I'm creative. ;-). My time's ticking down here, and I'm contemplating setting an actual date for my departure. I figure, everybody here is busy and I'm a little discouraged with my friends. Or, as Danielle and I call them..."frens." I know everybody's busy...but with a couple exceptions of a fun night out, nobody really actively pursues hanging out with me. Except people that I don't typically hang out with. You'd be surprised at the people who want to see you before you go, just to say goodbye. It's a good feeling. I just wanna finish out my time here having some good old fashioned fun. Doing things here that I won't be able to do there. Hang on, my phone's ringing. okay...i'm outta here ;-)

The past couple days

The past couple days have been trying. I have seen my father since the first news, and the first day I was left feeling unsatisfied, bordering on frustrated and confused. The second day, because of James, I charged ahead to, for once in my life, command somethign I wanted. I wanted to talk to my father. One on one. And I got it. It went well, considering the subject matter at hand. There were sarcastic laughs, but at some comments I had to wonder..."WHO ARE YOU?" I talked to my mother for a good two hours tonight, only to come back into the house finding Jim passed out with a Sam Adams Hefeweizen wedged into his armpit, asleep on the couch. I love his simplicity and his old soul. I have more clarity and I guess that's good. Instead of focusing on the negative, I have come to realize through this how much support I actually have in my life. I thank god for my brother, no matter how different he may be from me. Although we handle things in life differently and have a different lifestyle, he came from where I did. He gets me and accepts me, no matter how much he may disagree with me. I thank god for his girlfriend, who embodies not only a large piece of him, but also a large piece of me. It's like if him and I had a child...without the creepy incest factor and no extra appendages. She's great. Thoughtful, caring, understanding, grounded, beautiful, thankful, realistic, and loving. I talked to my mom tonight for two hours plus. It's been a struggle to communicate with her at times throughout my past, but now I absolutely cherish this time we have. I wish I could hug her...and soon enough I'll be able to. Hugging my dad for the firs ttime in five months, and especially since this whole fiasco...was challenging. BUt it was the same warmth I had known, the same arms that held me since I was minutes old. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least, emotions flooding me like crazy. I prayed for the first time, in a long time, tonight, as rain clouds dissipated over me and smoother skies prevailed. Prayed for this to all work...for everybody. I have always been one to be selfish with my body. My 15 ear piercings, my nose, my tongue pierciing, my tattoo...have been selfish. This time, I prayed for the most recent additions (and less painful) to hold their deep importance to me. I started wearing my father's turqoise ring that he doned in the 70's last March. After a visit with my aunt (on my moms side) last summer, I began wearing my grandmother's spoon handle ring (which I ALWAYS get compliments on, and that I always think of my grandmothers bony hands and how the ring would slide up and down her knuckles as she moved ). Whenever I look at my hands I'm reminded of my family and what they mean to me. All I can say is that I hope this sense of family that everyone has built, and that seems so impossible in this day and age, can break through the walls of infidelity and become something of a new, stronger, foundation. To my family and friends: I love you, and thank you for supporting me.

Good Day

Today was the best day I've had in awhile. Although it was an intense 90 something degrees out, it wasn't that muggy. Thank god! Started out with the installation of a few air conditioners throughout the house. Next, a quick dip in the pool with Vegas (our dog) wearing his yellow doggie life jacket, and James. Jim washed his baby (his stupid motorcycle), and I got ready to go mini-golfing.... (HIS SUGGESTION!) I was so happy that he was actually thinking of stuff for us to do that I didn't even mind it being so hot. We went to a course in cicero and it was pretty fun. Although he won, I still did pretty well...and NONE of those holes should be a par 2!! Well, its four hours later and I still haven't heard the end of it that he's the champion, so we'll have to play again and I'll have to beat him. Next we headed over to the mall, he got a couple new pairs of sneaks...UnderArmour Brand...very comfortable! I tried on the women's versions! He got two pairs in different color combinators (his word) to go with his ever growing wardrobe...thanks to me:-) We came back to an empty house, which sometimes is just a sigh of relief..lol. The air conditioners are cranking, I'm happy, and we're about to eat. I'm so glad I had a good day, and Jim helped me make it happen. He does have SOME redeeming moments....although they're fleeting....he's such an old man. That's all for now, stay tuned.

The Heart of the Matter

I woke up this morning to a text message from Kacie letting me know who re-did "Heart of the Matter." I never would have known if it weren't for her! I miss her... a lot. I'm too used to having a friendship through text message..and our time together was so brief it seems like it never even happened. I have pictures that prove it did, though. Some of my best times were had with her. One time, in a drunken circus of a night, I actually peed my pants when I came up the stairs and she jumped out with Katie's pads strapped to her ears and yelled "EARMUFFS!" Or the multiple random phone calls we'd make to people on campus using her girl talk voice changer phone. Nobody, at age 18, would still have a voice changer phone except Kacie....Man, that thing caused some controversy!!! hahaah. There's too many memories to list...but theyre the kind of memories that even if you weren't there for it, theyre hilarious. Those are the best kind becaues they can be shared. She's a rare find in a friend and I think of her often...

I came on here to talk about something else though, she just popped into my head. So Ive decided to see my dad when he comes to New York this weekend. It was a tough decision, but also a no brainer at the same time. Of course I miss my dad. I'm just afraid Im gonna lose it. It's easier being here when they're there. I never thought I'd say that, either. I understand that he feels bad and left it up to me whether or not I wanted to see him. His text messages were harsh, though. I'm not used to getting an attitude from my dad. It was left that he missed me too and would call me when he got into the airport. I left the day's events up to him though. He can think of things to do. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for something good. Not something awkward and unprogressive.

Lately I have felt pretty alone. I don't do much and nobody really seems to be active in pursuing hanging out with me. Not even who I live with. I'm invisible, I'm just something to deal with. Everybody here has their own life and I'm not part of it. Maybe it is time to go...I'd love to just pick up and go, leave this place, surprise people...who cares if I don't see people I wanted to see one last time? I've been here a month and hung out with three friends. I guess I just wish I was in other peoples thoughts as much as they are in mine. I gotta learn to get my priorities straight.