Shine on you crazy diamond

Those who need to know, already know. Big changes are happening. I'm excited, but it's bittersweet. Leaving what I thought would be the ultimate exhale. Instead, I feel like I'm still struggling to reach the surface; gasping every single day for that bubble of hope to keep me alive - keep me breathing and striving. I can't find that bubble, and everyday I metaphorically seem to drown. Whether it be in my own self-pity, self-doubt, or lack of self-esteem, nothing seems to keep me afloat. I've gotten used to this isolation as normal, but I am also aware that that's not me. I can't feel like this, because I do desire success and happiness. Some people are content in their misery, but I've gotten to the point where I'm tired of wasting my life. We do only get one, afterall. Reincarnation is a whole other topic. (yes, i do believe i've lived past lives, but im here now so I'm going to try and make the best of it). I feel like im about 65 years old, with a whole life behind me, sometimes carrying everyone else's weight around with my own. When I think about all the amazing things I actually do have in my future(marriage, children, owning a home, settling, grandchildren, career....etc...) I get so excited. I really am looking forward to realizing and maximizing my potential. I am aware that sounds like resume-speak, but I can't think of how else to word it.

Today was a tough day.

For the first time in my life, as I explained to Monica today, I'm not going somewhere that was pre-picked for me, it's not somewhere that I aspired to go. It's not somewhere that I knew I had to be there on a set date. When I said all that, I was referring to college. I signed up, filled out the paperwork, and was there on the day I was supposed to be. It was that "simple". Knowing I'm going into something that isn't definite; isn't planned down to the day, is pretty exciting. Certain things like that I really do cherish, because they do remind me that I'm alive. Some of my best friendships (Danielle, Kacie...) happened by chance. Things that were so "risky"..things could either go wonderfully or really badly....that seemed so uncertain, worked out in my favor. I wouldnt trade ANY of the friends I have now, for the world.

I told my mom tonight, that I can't remember the last time I was surprised by somebody in a GOOD way. Its kind of discouraging to think that so many people can go through life consistently discouraging people and letting people down. But hey, that's their problem. I've decided that I'll never change myself and my giving and naturally caring personality in order to accomodate some asshole. If it happens, so be it, but I'm never going to go out of my way again to make sure somebody else is happy before I am. It's all about me. I just paused to re-read that statement because I haven't been able to say that in a long time.

I tried to have a positive outlook in moving down here. I really did. But it really didn't take me long to figure out that I couldnt sit here and deteriorate. I want to feel again that I'm important and I do make a difference, and that I'm worth something. It's not that my parents didn't welcome me with open arms, and express their thankfulness that I was here when I was. I wanted this to work, I genuinely did. But I feel like I'm growing up in the sense that I am following my innermost senses and feelings. It's pretty refreshing to regain some confidence in my feelings, my instincts. I am, afterall, all i REALLY have in this world. I've been abandoned and left (metaphorically and physically) enough times to realize my happiness really does have to be rooted in my core.

In coming here, I may seem like a failure to many, but I don't see it that way. I feel that I've learned more about myself and my actual strength and capabilities in these past 5 months than I ever have. Will I miss my parents? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will I miss feeling hopeless because of the circumstances? No. It's that whole detachment phase. Yes, I may be 23 and it may seem kinda late. But I have a huge heart. I can't help it. But I also know that they will always be my parents, and be "there" for me, no matter where "there" is. This is gonna be good for me, probably better than I know. I'm keeping my faith alive, and I'm never going to lose my spirit. I just need to reconnect with more people that understand my spirit, and see me for me. I can't wait.


I know I'm a good person, and that I will be ok. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of it. To all those that help me to remember, and reassure me, u know who you are. I LOVE YOU, and THANK YOU.