Something on facebook just prompted an entire blog entry. I know it's been awhile, and there's a couple slight updates as well.
This week, Kacie and Brooke are in Florida on vacation. To keep myself busy, I'm painting her kitchen cabinets and her living room. Im also catching up on laundry, mailing out more applications to jobs, and organizing/cleaning. I miss them.
I got a part time job at the Brien Center, and I find out the middle of this week more details, and when I start, etc. I made Christina (the woman I've been dealing with) aware that I was still continuing to look for work, since now unexpectedly I have to get my own apartment and am in dire need of full time hours, and benefits. She understands. I'll take whatever I can get at this point though..it's getting my foot in the door.
So I was just on facebook, and I saw that my dad changed his profile picture. And in one of the boxes it said "How do you know Randy Cornish?" My automatic answer lately is that "I feel like I don't." As terrible as that is...he's my father for crying out loud, my daddy...my hero...well he used to be. I understand growing up and growing apart and moving away is natural. But I would have preferred to be near my family...I like them. I always thought my distance from all of them would be something that I would choose, not something that would be chosen for me. I'm not just talking about physical distance, I'm including emotional distance as well. I get a text here and there confirming that, in fact, he is my dad. I don't forget, but I don't necessarily remember as much as I used to.
I've been through a lot in the past couple weeks. For all of you that know, thanks for your support and hopefully that was my rock bottom. I don't see how it could get much worse. Knock on wood, because every time I've said that, it seems that I get another wonderful surprise the next day or week. (that was sarcasm). I'm tired of bad news. The sun coming out lately has improved my mood, though..fresh air always helps.
Ive just decided that painting the cabinets is a two day job. I did the lower ones today, and I'll do the upper ones tomorrow. I'm off to fold a ridiculous amount of laundry...
It's made up of lonely moments
There was always a moment there when I knew.
You always gave installments,
Always knew you concentrated and grew.
And I believe in reinvention,
Do you believe that life is holding the clue?
Take away all the lonely moments,
Give me full communication with you.
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Heather, things happen in life that we just don't understand and may never understand. Remember when you were little and I used to tell you that you can't control others, but you can control your reaction to them? I guess that's where we're at. Trying to control our reactions so we're not completely devastated.
It's not necessary that you forgive this person. Forgiveness, like trust, are things that need to be earned. But, if you can find acceptance, you may find some peace. I want to share something I've read with you.
Acceptance is a gutsy, life-affirming response to violation when the person who hurt you is unavailable or unrepentant. It asks nothing of anyone but you. It is based on a personal decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relationship with the offender that works for you.
You are not responsible for the harm that was done to you, but you are responsible for your recovery. Your freedom perhaps your only freedom-is in deciding how to survive and transcend the injury. Don't underestimate the freedom: it's enormous. With it comes the power to decide how your're going to live the rest of your life. As you take the task of healing into your own hands, you empower yourself and make peace with the past.
10 Steps of Acceptance
When you accept someone:
1-you honor the full sweep of your emotions
2-you give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution
3-you stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with your life
4-you protect yourself from further abuse
5-you frame the offender's behavior in terms of his own personal struggles
6-you look honestly at your own contribution to the injury
7-you challenge your false assumptions about what happened
8-you look at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad
9-you carefully decide what kind of relationship you want with him
10-you forgive yourself for your own failings
We can't control others, we can only control our reaction to them. Find peace for yourself in here somewhere. I love you.
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