Well, first of all le tme start by saying that my space bar is broken on my keyboard at my apt. Sorry for the spacing mistakes, if any, in advance. It's been awhile since Ive written, mainly becuase not much has happened. I often wonder if my current situation is more the direct result of my actions, or others. Maybe it's 50/50..I'll never know. I do feel helpless though. I can't control others, as much as sometimes I'd like to. It's beyond our control. We only get one soul to inhabit, one mind to feed, and one body to utilize. All three of those key components to life seem to be in pain right now.
My father frustrates me to this day. Today i broke down and actually texted him back with a sarcastic comment. I'm done being nice, at least to him. He wants communication, that;s how he;s going to get it. And true to form as of late, he dodges the real issue and brings something else up. I don't expect anything from him anymore, but that fact alone sends me into a tailspin. Can't we, as children..grown or not..have expectations of our parents? Or is it solely their jobs to have expectations of us? What happens when our parents disappoint us? Is it more traumatizing as a whole? Children are supposed to let t heir parents down, test their limits, challenge them as parents and as people. My father let me down. THe one guy on this vast planet that I could almost guarantee wouldn't do it, h as done the unthinkable. This is definitely "old news" on the larger scale, but it hurts every single day. And it wil continue to hurt. He said to me today "I can't chang ethings back. mom is stil ur mom and im stil ur dad. we both love you beyond the sky. make the best of today and remember and cherish the past. im sorry i hur tyou so. " Make the best of today? DOn't I do that every day considering the circumstances? To this i replied "yeah im sory too. bu tim the one thast sad everyt day and moms the one thats alone. so things dont seem too awful bad for you. youre the one that got a new family out of this, you did. your old one misses the old you, thats all i know"
Really though, what am i supposed to say? that its ok, all is forgiven..just because this happens regularly in today's world? No, I don't think so. I didn't think I'd become a statistic in that sense, and even though Im a young adult, grown woman, whatever...it still hurts. This whole thing has altered my entire perception of marriage, family, men, ..my own impending future. I wouldn't be human if I pretended that it didn't. Maybe I should haev stayed in therapy. But that woman was almost a corpse and I didn't want anyone's money going to waste just for me to repeat the same answers 20 times in a 60 minute session. Yes, I could get another therapist. I'm trying to get through this by myself. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, isn't that all you have anyway?
I'm sorry if my posts are dismal and depressing, I;ve been notified by various parties that they are. But the only people that read this trluly care for me, and I believe they read it for a greater sense of just simply knowing me. For that I'm grateful. I'm grateful of the audience I do have, no matter how big or small. I'm grateful for a lot of things. Maybe I don't express this enough. So to those of you that deserve it, thank you.
Lately I have been watching the series "Dead Like Me". an 18 year old is killed in a freak accident, and she becomes a grim reaper. she stil walks among the living, but is not seen as she was in her "old life." She takes the souls of people who are set to die before their actual time comes. I recommend watching at least one episode. It gives a gritty realness to something none of us have any real idea about, but are all curious of. It gave me a sense of peace about how my own death would occur. The one guarantee in life is death. They say it's taxes and death, but I know people who evade taxes. Strange how once you're given life, the only guarantee is its polar opposite. I do want to make the most of my time here, as myself. I have been fortunate to encounter plenty of souls who are fully good. I cherish these people in my life, and wherever I'm headed after this life is over, I hope to encounter them again.
My head is swimming with doubt, grief, ideas, thoughts, ambition even. You'd never know it. I think its a blessing that our brains are on the inside, and that nobody else can know our thoughts unless we choose to share them. Who we choose to share them with, though, is truly important. When someone chooses to take the gifts you've given them and throw them away, they are not worth sharing with anymore. The one thing that gets in the way of this perfectly sane idea is love. I hate love, and I hate what it does. Even when you gain love, it seems you lose something. ..yourself, your friends, your motivation..something always goes when something else comes. The whole "when one door closes, another opens" mantra comes to mind here. It's true, but the opposite is also true. Where are these metaphorical doors? Not in my one-bedroom apartment, I know that.
So to all my followers - I didn't mean to depress you. I just had a lot to say and blogging really does seem to let me get it all out in an enjoyable way. Whatever I can do to take my mind off of working overtime is a welcome distraction. I do thank god for my humor. That seems to be the one personality trait that has gotten me through plenty of heartbreaking situations, conversations, and days. "Live, laugh, love" Well...screw love. Just live and laugh. We can survive without love...but if you do find someone you love, and who loves you just as much in return, then take it for what its worth, and enjoy it while it lasts. We do only have a short time here. If love is true, it'll far surpass our earthly habitation.
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