Part 1 of 2: Welcome 2010.

First of all, I can't believe it's been over a month since I wrote last. Especially with the holidays going on, and the beginning of a new decade, and possibly a new era. Let me start with Thanksgiving. I went to Wisconsin to meet and eat with Rebecca's family. Let's just say they're the type of family that seems like an urban myth these days. The warmth that radiates from these people's souls is eminent. Yes, we were "family" through the coupling of my brother and one of their own, but to really feel accepted upon a first meeting is rare. (At least in my experience). It made me miss my own dysfunctional extended family, in a strange way. They were just so at ease with the tradition that surrounded them. This had become woven into their lives..this was to be expected..this was the norm. What lucky people. It was great to see my brother and my mom, it had been awhile. I always find comfort in the strange sort of telepathy that my brother and I share. As the miles apart have increased, I think that our bond has grown stronger. I think we've learned to appreciate each other in a way that many siblings never get to. It was nice to be around stereotypical grandparents...where its FUN to go to Grandma's house. You get spoiled, you eat well, and you feel safe and loved. You can just see the history and the roots of that family that have taken hold and are not to be lifted.

Having roots was always important to me...and I don't think I am alone when I say that I thought this generation would be different. Patterns of broken families past would turn around, and we would start our own pattern of successful relationships and housefuls of jolly people at Christmastime. No such luck. I guess no matter how much you want some things, you may never get them. That is why I valued the time I spent with Rebecca's family so much. They are such normal people - with senses of humor, stories to tell, hugs to give. I'll always cherish that memory of Thanksgiving.


Onto Christmas. This Christmas, I visited Danielle in Long Island. Now for some reason, the oddest, and sometimes most unbelievable things happen when Danielle and I join forces. When I'm with her I don't care how loud I laugh in public, or if the traffic was terrible going down there, or if I don't wear anything except yoga pants and hoodies for 5 days. I don't care about much except having the best time I possibly can..and thats always what happens with her. It's not until we venture out together that I realize how long it's been since I've had a good hard laugh. A knee slapping, can't breathe, tears streaming laugh. So here goes...our adventures are plenty.

Day One: I get there around 7:30...not too bad! I say hello to Danielles 93 year old Grandma. I have met her at least 5 times. She doesn't remember me at all. I say hello to her mom, and thank her for letting me crash the party for Christmas. We pick up Shitbag, our beloved ex housemate, and a good old friend of Danielle's. We head over to her friend Allie's house so that they can exchange gifts. After seeing what people with money buy for each other at Christmas, and drinking a Sam Adams Cranberry something or other, we head out to a bar called Rookie's, which is frequented by Danielle's "frens" (We call not-so-great friends frens because one time I got a drunken text message from Danielle saying "my frens are assholes"...and it kinda stuck). That bar didn't have room to breathe in. So Shitbag, Danielle, and I went to Outback for a late night dinner. The service was terrible, and the drinks weren't strong enough.

Day Two: I wake up and immediately take a stupid picture of myself to send to Danielle in the next room, to let her know I'm awake. After over an hour of no response, I go in and jump on her to check her vitals. This is a tradition between us. Whoever's awake first has to jump on the other person. She's alive. We went to the store to get some supplies, which included windshield wiper fluid for Danielle's car. When we got back, I asked her if she wanted me to put it in, since she didn't know how to do it I assumed. I was right. Her hood wouldn't pop. Stuck shut. Oh well. That day was baking day! We made some ripple bread, which is a tradition from my family. We also made dough to make rollout Christmas cookies the next day. Shitbag came over, and we were left on our own in the house. We made some Christmasy chocolate drinks, and danced around the kitchen. Later that night, Danielle and I went to Sue and Derek's, her old bosses from the bakery she worked at for a decade. I had a couple drinks, Danielle had one (she was driving), and we left. Needless to say, we got about 1/8 of a mile away from Danielle's house. The side roads on Long Island were never plowed, and it was a myriad of slush, ice, and snow. Taking a right turned out to be impossible, and we coasted ever so gracefully into a snowbank. Right in someone's front lawn. We couldn't have been going more than 5 miles an hour. The nice people came out of their house at 12:30 at night, and gave us a ride home. The car wouldn't start back up, and there was no digging it out. We'd deal with it in the morning.

Day Three: Christmas! "Let's go for a ride in my car! OH WAIT." We head down the street to assess the damage. Danielle tries to start the car again..no luck. We call AAA. It takes them about an hour to get there. This guy who looks like Santa on meth hops out of the truck, and in his Long Island accent says "what happened?"...like we did this on purpose, gifting a lawn ornament to these poor people on Christmas. Santa surveys the car, gets in, tries to start it. IT STARTS. Santa then struts from the car to the tow truck, and apparently had a case of the walking farts. Danielle didn't hear it, but I did. He pulls the car out, and it's fine. Totally fine! The invincible Maxima! Danielle drives it home, and I follow in my car. I notice that the hood is now ajar. I say "well, would you like me to put the fluid in now?" "sure...so that's all I had to do to get my hood to open was run into a snowbank..why didn't someone tell me sooner?!" this was just the morning. we got back to Danielle's in one piece, and started rolling out our Christmas cookies. Me, being the pervert that I am, noticed that the pumpkin cookie cutter looked alot like balls. Behold, the penis cookie. We made 5, one for each of the young girls that would be there (me, Danielle, her crazy sister Kathy, and Kathy's Jewish friend Jess). Kathy arrived, and seemed to be acting semi normal. Next came presents. Danielle didn't really get anything from her family. Except a hard time. We retired to the basement to watch some TV and have a couple drinks..we'd be needing it. The fun started soon after. Danielle's mom's "cousin" or something, which Danielle had met like once years ago, showed up for dinner. She was something else...she reminded me of if Madonna had let herself go, but still had that 80's feathered short hairdo. She seemed kind of...off. Kathy said "she's just friendly," but Kathy's also batshit nuts. Birds of a feather, I guess. Danielle ventured upstairs for a couple mini quiches, and Madonna slapped the back of her thigh a few times, and maybe caressed her a little more than she should have. Seemed like she might have popped an extasy tablet. Safely back in the basement, Danielle and I had a couple more drinks, and later were summoned for dinner. Penne a la vodka was for dinner, and it was delicious. Danielle got stuck sitting next to Madonna, and I was stuck next to Danielle's mom's boyfriend Doug. Kind of a dweeb. Laughs like a goose. Danielle and I were holding hands under the table every time Madonna would get a little too close or Doug would laugh a little too loud. Madonna REALLY loved the vodka sauce. She set her plate practically on top of Danielle's plate, saying "MORE SAUCE! MORE SAUCE!" Well, needless to say we survived dinner. After dinner came the real treat. Danielle's mom bought little trinket whistles that each played a different note. We lined up and whistled Christmas carols. We both couldn't believe it was happening, and tried to get out of it. Back in the basement: we were gettin drunk. Shitbag came over again, Kathy and Jess were in the basement with us. Kathy was insulting everyone, especially me, and I had to leave the room. The last thing I remember is seeing Madonna playing with stuffed animals under the Christmas tree.

Day Four: We awoke to a text from Shitbag "Im sleeping in your basement" YESSSS! We both cried. Immediately, we went down and jumped on him (tradition). Later that day, Danielle and I ended up eavesdropping on a conversation between Kathy and her mom. Not intentionally, the answering machine upstairs picked up the call. Danielles mom heard us laughing, and came upstairs. Ended up as a screaming match. Next thing I know, everyone in the house is ignoring us, and Danielle is being called an alcoholic. As they all sat downstairs planning the intervention, Danielle and I went to go out to dinner to Chili's. Just down the road. We're cruising along at 30 mph, and the hood of the car flies up, leaving us a small window to see out of at the bottom. After I put the wiper fluid in, I didn't latch it completely. Danielle yells "IM SCARED!" and clutches my hand. Despite the danger of the situation, neither of us could stop laughing. The hood slammed itself shut while still driving, and soon after we were able to pull into a parking lot. I couldn't breathe, and the most she could do was utter "its just like Tommy Boy!" and I said "thats exactly what i was thinking!" After composing ourselves, and actually realizing that that just happened, we went to Chili's. Where we still could not stop laughing. Only us, we both agreed. Wow. After that, we stopped at Sue and Derek's again, where we encouraged a remix of Jingle Bells into Derek singing "Dangle Balls." (I have this on film). Danielle and I have been obsessed with the word "dangle" lately. Don't ask why.

Day Five: The drive home. We did a couple errands in the morning, and came home to a room full of empty beer cans that had been previously bagged up in her basement. her mom came in, threw them everywhere. She also confescated every single drop of alcohol in the house, and hid it. Including the stuff that I had brought as a gift to the family. It was ridiculous. Danielle immediately started hunting for apartments. I don't blame her. I got on the road around quarter to three. I didn't get home until 9:30ish. Let's just say, traffic was a nightmare. As usual. And so ends my Christmas vacation.