Ive got a few great songs stuck in my head as of tonight...there's something about Matt Nathanson's voice, and the fact that I've seen him live, from ten feet away...for free. Car crash, wedding dress, all we are, answering machine, gone, come on get higher....download them. This isn't getting any easier. Monica said it won't....and she's five years into the destruction. Im hoping there will be no destruction, but the current shakiness of the situation is a mental image of a teeter totter balanced on a glass center. If that glass shatters, the teeter totter is going to fall one way. Chances are that won't be the way I would hope. I don't know how I can be expected to have kind words, if any, to say right now. I've barely spoken to myself. I've only spoken to the very few close friends I have, and that was to say the words I'd never have to say. My father fucked up. It was the one thing I thought I was safe from. I guess it just goes to show me that in life, you can't count on anything. At all. I guess this helps me to "grow up" as my mom told me I should do today on the phone. Alright, I'm growing up. Yeah...this is exactly the way I wanted to learn my lessons. There's my sarcasm again. Thanks, parents. Since I am an adult now, and according to the world have been for four years, I suppose I should focus on what's in the future. I guess now this motivates me even more to get my own life going...not to rely on my parents. I guess it was too strong a wall, but it was a false sense of strength. It does help me to grow up. I am grown up, and have in a lot of ways. When my family left me alone in NY, i was devestated...I still am not used to the fact that I can't just drive home in a matter of an hour. I can't pull into that driveway, hear a familiar creak of a stair or the bark of a welcoming dog. I don't know where the spare keys are kept in the new house. Im still bitter. Changes happened suddenly for me, and from 20-22 I've seen a lot of things happen, opened my eyes to a lot of things...and as of now experienced a heartbreak beyond anything thus far. I don't expect anybody to understand me, cause even I don't, yet. But I know I'm awesome. And I'm waiting for my chance to be happy. I just wanted ONE WEEK...but never again will I have hopes of this week. Things will get easier with time, but in this case, time can't come quick enough...
P.S. - Matt Nathanson...seriously....
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