And I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Things have been kind of a whirlwind, a complete series of ups and downs that spanned only a couple weeks. My brother visited for about a week, and we had some adventures. We always seem to. I laughed so hard one night, that tears came to my eyes. And it was about something only we shared. For some reason it never bothers me when I'm the only one laughing, and everyone else is in the dark. When I'm laughing I can't think about anything else besides how happy I am. When I'm not laughing, which is more often these days, is when my mind becomes flooded of how unhappy I am.

When bub left this time it was different than the other times. I have gotten used to him coming and going and staying and leaving for the past 8 years. Gotten used to the goodbyes, the til-we-meet-again's, the take care's. but i felt this time like i felt the first time when i watched him get on a plane to australia when he was 18. those are the only two times i cried. I love how much my brother and I can share with eachother. We talk about music, clothes, food..buncha stuff. It was nice to have somebody I could have an intelligent conversation with where I felt like I actually got some insight out of it. Nice to be around somebody that wasn't so closed minded and numb to anything outside of their immediate surroundings. I laugh harder with him than anybody, and sometimes it seems like kind of our secret to what we find hilarity in.

Whenever anybody asks me if I'm okay, I tell them I'm not. Why lie anymore? Why feed into the expected formality of "yes, Im fine"...when that's really not the case. I gotta figure out something; every day seems worse than the day before. It seems that everytime I glimpse happiness, it's like a drug. When I come down from that, it seems to get worse the happier I was. I miss my brother, and I miss my dad, and I miss my friends. What I miss the most are the days when I didn't miss anyone. Knowing that will never be possible again kinda makes me angry, but I do realize there's nothing I can do.

Back to the good, my brother and I had a lot of fun together. We took the dog to Paris Mountain, swung by Anderson really quickly... We went downtown in Greenville and sampled some cuisine. I took countless videos of him doing his jujitsu moves (mainly at me) and being the spaz that he is. It seemed like a little bit of normalcy had returned to my life. We had thanksgiving dinner early (last sunday) becuase the whole family could be together. Never thought I'd have to wonder if that's the last Holiday the four of us will spend. I really think I've stopped caring.

My posts are always so negative, I know, and it must get annoying to read. But when something good does happen, I write about it. I do have to say that I do love my friends, and at times my family helps. I guess I can't really refer to my family as a whole anymore, because the dynamic has changed. Actually I could if I wanted but I don't want to. Despite this constant cloud of fogginess and grey, I do dig up the optimism that lies within. It may not shine out my fingers and toes and I may not be smiling all the time, but it's there...burning like a dull flame. I feel like if things are this bad with me and I haven't totally lost hope, then I can tackle just about anything.
There's always a silver lining.




We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950), Americans and Others, 1912