The past couple days

The past couple days have been trying. I have seen my father since the first news, and the first day I was left feeling unsatisfied, bordering on frustrated and confused. The second day, because of James, I charged ahead to, for once in my life, command somethign I wanted. I wanted to talk to my father. One on one. And I got it. It went well, considering the subject matter at hand. There were sarcastic laughs, but at some comments I had to wonder..."WHO ARE YOU?" I talked to my mother for a good two hours tonight, only to come back into the house finding Jim passed out with a Sam Adams Hefeweizen wedged into his armpit, asleep on the couch. I love his simplicity and his old soul. I have more clarity and I guess that's good. Instead of focusing on the negative, I have come to realize through this how much support I actually have in my life. I thank god for my brother, no matter how different he may be from me. Although we handle things in life differently and have a different lifestyle, he came from where I did. He gets me and accepts me, no matter how much he may disagree with me. I thank god for his girlfriend, who embodies not only a large piece of him, but also a large piece of me. It's like if him and I had a child...without the creepy incest factor and no extra appendages. She's great. Thoughtful, caring, understanding, grounded, beautiful, thankful, realistic, and loving. I talked to my mom tonight for two hours plus. It's been a struggle to communicate with her at times throughout my past, but now I absolutely cherish this time we have. I wish I could hug her...and soon enough I'll be able to. Hugging my dad for the firs ttime in five months, and especially since this whole fiasco...was challenging. BUt it was the same warmth I had known, the same arms that held me since I was minutes old. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least, emotions flooding me like crazy. I prayed for the first time, in a long time, tonight, as rain clouds dissipated over me and smoother skies prevailed. Prayed for this to all work...for everybody. I have always been one to be selfish with my body. My 15 ear piercings, my nose, my tongue pierciing, my tattoo...have been selfish. This time, I prayed for the most recent additions (and less painful) to hold their deep importance to me. I started wearing my father's turqoise ring that he doned in the 70's last March. After a visit with my aunt (on my moms side) last summer, I began wearing my grandmother's spoon handle ring (which I ALWAYS get compliments on, and that I always think of my grandmothers bony hands and how the ring would slide up and down her knuckles as she moved ). Whenever I look at my hands I'm reminded of my family and what they mean to me. All I can say is that I hope this sense of family that everyone has built, and that seems so impossible in this day and age, can break through the walls of infidelity and become something of a new, stronger, foundation. To my family and friends: I love you, and thank you for supporting me.